Getting your Trinity Audio player ready...
|
You’ve been talking to someone for months. You go on dates, share intimate moments, and even meet their friends. But when you bring up the “what are we?” conversation, they say, “Let’s just go with the flow.”
If this sounds familiar, you’re likely in an undefined relationship. These are connections where the roles, expectations, and boundaries are unclear, leaving you feeling drained, confused, and unappreciated.
For Africans in the diaspora, undefined relationships are especially tricky because they often involve cultural expectations, family obligations, and the complexities of modern life.
But here’s the good news: 2025 is the year to take control. It’s time to stop letting undefined relationships dictate your life and start setting boundaries that protect your peace, energy, and future.
Let’s dive into what undefined relationships look like, why they’re harmful, and how you can set boundaries to reclaim your power.
What Are Undefined Relationships?
Undefined relationships are connections where the terms are unclear. They lack structure, leaving everyone involved guessing about where they stand. These relationships can happen in romantic, familial, or even professional settings.
For Africans in the diaspora, undefined relationships often take on unique forms. Here are a few examples:
- The Situationship: You’re dating someone, but there’s no label. You might spend weekends together, text daily, and even meet their family, but when you ask, “What are we?” they avoid the question or say, “Let’s not rush things.”
- The Family ATM: You’re the go-to person for your extended family back home. They call you for money, school fees, or medical bills, but there’s no clear boundary on how much you should give or how often.
- The Work Bestie: You’re close to a colleague who leans on you for emotional support, but you’re not sure if they’re genuinely interested in your life or just using you as a sounding board for their problems.
In all these scenarios, the lack of clarity creates tension. You’re left wondering, “What do they expect from me? What do I owe them? And what do I need for myself?”
Why Undefined Relationships Are Harmful in 2025
In 2025, the world is moving faster than ever. Technology, work demands, and global challenges mean your time and energy are more precious than ever. Undefined relationships can drain these resources in ways you might not even realize.
Constantly guessing where you stand with someone is exhausting. It’s like being stuck in emotional limbo—you’re investing time and effort, but you’re not getting anything solid in return.
When expectations aren’t clear, someone always ends up feeling taken advantage of. Maybe you’re giving too much in a situationship, or perhaps you’re feeling pressured to send money to family members without any acknowledgment of your struggles.
Undefined relationships keep you stuck. You can’t move forward in life if you’re always tied to someone else’s uncertainty. Whether it’s a romantic partner who won’t commit or a family member who expects too much, these relationships can hold you back from achieving your goals.
For Africans in the diaspora, the stakes are even higher. Many of us feel a deep sense of obligation to our families and communities, which can make it harder to set boundaries. But here’s the truth: you can’t pour from an empty cup. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s necessary.
How to Set Boundaries in Undefined Relationships
Setting boundaries is like building a fence around your emotional yard. It keeps the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. But how do you do it without feeling guilty or rude? Let me tell you about my friend Ada, whose story might resonate with you.
Ada was in a situationship with a guy for two years. They’d go on dates, talk every day, and even meet each other’s friends, but he refused to put a label on their relationship. Every time Ada brought up the topic, he’d say, “Let’s just go with the flow.”
At first, Ada convinced herself that this was enough. But over time, she started feeling drained and unappreciated. She realized she was giving 100% to a relationship that only existed at 50%. So, she decided to set boundaries.
First, Ada defined what she wanted. She asked herself, “What do I really need from this relationship?” The answer was clear: she wanted commitment and respect.
Next, she communicated her boundaries. She told the guy, “I like you, but I need clarity. If we’re not moving toward a committed relationship, I need to focus on myself.”
Finally, she stuck to her boundaries. When the guy tried to keep things vague, Ada walked away. It wasn’t easy—she cried, she doubted herself, but she knew she deserved better.
Six months later, Ada met someone who valued her and was ready to commit. By setting boundaries, she made space for better things in her life.
How You Can Apply Ada’s Method
Ada’s story isn’t just about romantic relationships. It’s a blueprint for setting boundaries in any undefined relationship. Here’s how you can do it:
- Know Your Worth: You’re not an option, a backup plan, or a walking ATM. You’re a valuable person with your own needs and goals. Take time to reflect on what you truly want and deserve.
- Communicate Clearly: Be honest about your needs. Use “I” statements like, “I need us to define our relationship,” or “I can only send money once a month.” This approach is firm but respectful.
- Enforce Your Boundaries: If someone crosses the line, remind them of your boundaries. If they keep disrespecting you, it’s okay to walk away. Remember, boundaries are meaningless if you don’t enforce them.
Final Thoughts
Undefined relationships don’t have to be your reality. By setting boundaries, you take control of your life and create space for healthier, happier connections. Remember Ada’s story: clarity and self-respect are the keys to unlocking better relationships.
So, as you navigate this new year, ask yourself: “What do I want? What do I deserve?” Then, go out there and set those boundaries like the queen or king you are.
Your future self will thank you.