You and your best friend Aisha from Lagos used to shop and dream at Ikeja Mall. Now, in different U.S. cities, conversations feel shorter and awkward. Did Aisha change? Or you? Or have you just grown apart?
Friendships are like plants—they need care, attention, and fertile soil to thrive. But when you move from Abuja to Atlanta or Cape Town to Chicago, those bonds can feel stretched thin.
For many Africans in the diaspora, maintaining friendships across continents becomes a delicate balancing act. The question is: Are these changes signs of a ruined friendship, or simply evidence that two people are growing in different directions?
Recognizing Signs of Growing Apart
Growing apart isn’t always dramatic; sometimes, it sneaks up on you. Picture yourself living in New York City now, working long hours as an accountant, while your childhood friend back in Johannesburg starts their fashion line.
Your worlds have shifted dramatically, even though you still love each other deeply. Here are some signs:
- Different Priorities: When you used to talk about music festivals in Cape Town, but now all you discuss is mortgage rates in Toronto.
- Changing Interests: Maybe she loves going to yoga classes in Brooklyn, while you’d rather binge-watch Nollywood series on Netflix.
- Less Frequent Contact: It’s not uncommon for busy schedules to get in the way, especially when balancing work, family, and personal growth.
Remember, growing apart doesn’t mean you’ve lost respect or affection for each other—it means life has taken its natural course. And honestly? That’s okay.
Identifying Ruined Friendships
On the flip side, ruined friendships often come with clear red flags. Think about that time your cousin in Abuja stopped inviting you to events after a heated argument over who makes better egusi soup.
If any of these scenarios sound familiar, it might be worth examining whether trust has eroded:
- Betrayal or Hurtful Actions: Did someone spread rumors about you at church? Or maybe they ghosted you after you supported them through tough times.
- Constant Conflict: Some arguments are healthy, but if every conversation ends in tension, it could signal deeper issues.
- Lack of Effort: True friends will try to reconnect, even if circumstances change. If neither party seems willing to bridge the gap, it may indicate the relationship is beyond repair.
For many Africans in the diaspora, maintaining relationships across continents requires effort. Without it, resentment can fester, turning once-close bonds into distant memories.
Navigating Cultural Differences
Cultural nuances also play a role in friendship dynamics. For instance, someone raised in Accra might value frequent check-ins, whereas another person from Nairobi prioritizes independence. These differences can create misunderstandings if not addressed openly.
Consider the story of Bisi, who moved from Lagos to Atlanta. She noticed her American colleagues preferred sending emails instead of calling directly. Back home, phone conversations were essential for staying connected.
Similarly, her old friends began complaining that she was “too busy” for WhatsApp voice notes. The truth? Both sides had valid perspectives, but communication styles clashed due to cultural expectations. To avoid such conflicts:
- Be honest about your needs.
- Respect individual preferences without judgment.
- Find common ground, like scheduling regular video chats or sharing updates via email.
Rebuilding Connections After Drift
If you believe your friendship is salvageable, take proactive steps to reconnect. Start small—send a heartfelt message reminiscing about good times, like that road trip through Durban or karaoke nights in Paris.
Rekindling a bond takes patience, but it’s possible if both parties are willing. Here’s a tip:
- Plan virtual hangouts around shared interests.
- Love cooking? Host a Zoom session making Akara together.
- Into movies? Watch a classic Nollywood film simultaneously and discuss it afterward.
These activities bring joy and remind you why you became friends in the first place. However, remember that rebuilding isn’t guaranteed.
Sometimes, despite best efforts, the connection feels strained. In such cases, accept the reality gracefully. Holding onto resentment only weighs you down.
Knowing When to Let Go
Letting go of a friendship is never easy, especially for those of us rooted in tight-knit African communities where lifelong connections are cherished.
Yet, parting ways can sometimes lead to personal growth. Imagine freeing up mental space for new friendships or pursuing hobbies you’ve always wanted to explore.
Take Chinua, who relocated from Kenya to Melbourne. He struggled to maintain ties with his university mates until realizing he needed fresh energy to thrive professionally.
By letting go, he opened doors to meeting fellow writers at local book clubs, enriching his creative journey. When deciding whether to let go:
- Reflect on the impact the person has had on your life.
- Consider whether keeping them close aligns with your current goals and values.
- Trust your instincts—if the relationship drains you emotionally, it might be time to move forward.
Final Thoughts
Next time you notice a shift in your connection, pause and assess. Are you merely growing apart, or has something fundamentally changed?
Whatever the answer, embrace the lessons learned along the way. Life offers endless opportunities to build meaningful connections, even if some paths diverge.
Now go ahead—pick up that phone, send that message, or start planning your next adventure. Who knows? A beautiful new chapter awaits!
