Let’s keep it 100 – one of the trickiest parts of getting married is navigating the sexual side of the relationship. We’ve all heard the jokes from elders about how intimacy dwindles to a snail’s pace after the rings go on. But it doesn’t have to be that way if you have the honest, thorough “sex talk” before tying the knot

For centuries across Europe, Asia, and the Americas, most cultures rooted in Christianity, Islam, and certain Eastern traditions treated sex as a taboo topic. Something too risqué to discuss openly, even between married partners. 

The Victorian era in Britain is infamous for its extreme moralism around sexual matters. Even up until the 1960s, bestselling relationship manuals like The Good Wife’s Guide and sermons promoted the wildly unrealistic idea that women shouldn’t expect or enjoy sexual pleasure.  

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Thankfully, the sexual revolution of the 1960s-70s brought more openness, with respected experts like Dr. David Reuben and Masters & Johnson encouraging couples to freely communicate their desires, boundaries, and expectations in the bedroom. 

Still, antiquated taboos persist in some African, Caribbean, and other communities around discussing sex before marriage.

The Importance of Sexual Compatibility

Sexual compatibility goes beyond physical attraction and desire. It encompasses libido levels, preferred frequency, sexual preferences, and boundaries. For example, one partner may have a high sex drive desiring intimacy daily, while the other is content with a few times a week. 

Mismatched libidos can lead to frustration, resentment, and feelings of rejection. Discussing sexual appetites openly allows you to understand if you’re truly compatible.

Furthermore, sexual acts, fantasies, and fetishes that one partner finds exciting may make the other uncomfortable. Exploring these topics helps identify potential hang-ups and hard limits before marriage. This understanding allows you to compromise or decide if you’re truly compatible in this area.

Key Components of the Pre-Marriage Sex Talk

So what exactly should you cover in this crucial “talk”? Being on the same page about sexual expectations before marriage can include:

• Desires and Boundaries: What intimate acts do you want or not want to explore in the bedroom? Compatibility here is crucial for long-term sexual satisfaction and avoiding resentment. Get granular – discuss everything from roles to freak flags.

• Birth Control and Family Planning: Do you both want kids someday and if so, how many? What contraceptive methods like IUDs, implants, or rhythm appeal to you both? Whose spiritual or cultural beliefs need accommodation?

• Intimacy Frequency: Some partners want sensual romps daily, while others prefer once a month or less. Getting on the same page here avoids future fights and frustration.

• Pornography and Fantasies: Share your comfort levels around consuming adult content and sharing erotic desires. No harsh judgment here – just transparency about boundaries.

• Attitudes Towards Pleasure: For some from stricter faiths, intercourse is seen solely as a procreational act, not for frivolous pleasure. Others believe God’s gift of sexuality can be for fun too within wise limits. Vocalize your stance to sidestep conflicts.

The Bottom Line: Why It’s Crucial to Discuss Sexual Expectations Before Marriage

Discussing detailed sexual expectations before marriage may feel awkward at first for some Diaspora couples. But avoiding the conversation breeds far more awkwardness, disappointment, and hurt down the line when the core needs go unmet. 

Have a candid yet respectful talk now in a spirit of wisdom and cherish intimacy for decades to come. Our powerful African forebears had to navigate way harder conversations than this – you’ve got this!

READ: Can Relationships Thrive on Sex Alone?

This article discusses the complexities of sex-focused relationships, exploring their feasibility, potential benefits, drawbacks, and the various perspectives surrounding them.