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It is in human nature to create boundaries after suffering a betrayal, loss, or emotional shock. Women more than men embrace building boundaries after one or more of such experiences, especially those who are more free-spirited and trust easily. Women who are quick to love without boundaries build the strongest boundaries after an emotional betrayal.
I suffered the most painful heartbreak that anyone could ever bear. A man who didn’t respect boundaries. One that I’d been married to; loved without boundaries or holding back; shared my bed and body with; and bore 3 beautiful children for… a man I stuck with through the most difficult times of our lives for 28 years.
Twenty-eight solid years; and he vanishes without any trace except for a 4-page letter telling me he’s found true love… true love from a younger woman! I am not the kind of woman who nags her man for the slightest offense. I swallowed the anger for a while and waited for the right time to speak my feelings to him.
There was never a time in the whole years of our marriage that I raised my voice at Danjuma—not one time at all. I watched the tone of my voice and managed my emotions, especially when I was displeased by his actions. Of course, I have had countless reasons to leave him, but I never did. 
My husband….my ex-husband was a serial, helpless, and unrepentant womanizer.
Danjuma cheated on me even with the maids; I had to employ male cooks and cleaners to stop the humiliation. He had no control of his waywardness….no boundaries on who or where he had sex; at home, his office, the bar, even at events we both attended.
There wasn’t a place where he couldn’t have a quickie. This I dealt with for the entire 28 years of our marriage. I remember the morning he was to leave for Kaduna to do a presentation for his company. I helped in his rehearsals, we went through his paperwork together and I packed his bag for the trip the next morning.
Before he left, I held his hands to pray with him as I had always done. He sent a message to say he had arrived and the presentation was successful, and that was the last time I heard from him. He didn’t die….he was not kidnapped, and there was no plane crash. For the first time, he has built boundaries… against me
Danjuma just left me….he left Adunni Sobunmi, the woman he promised to stand by till he took his last breath. Looking back to that evening when I received a letter from the guard, it didn’t hurt anymore. But I remember I melted onto the bedroom floor as I read Danjuma’s betrayal.
He fell out of love with me 20 years ago after we had Sadiya, our last child. I became unattractive, fat, and shapeless; the things he saw in me that made him fall in love had disappeared, and he couldn’t even touch me. In his letter, he explained that he was an active man who made sure sex was always enjoyable and satisfying, but I fell short of meeting his expectations.
He managed me for 8 years and had to find a better option for a wife. He got married 2 years ago and has twin girls with his former secretary, whom he’ll be living with henceforth. All his duties as a husband would still be carried out, especially towards his children.
While I read Danjuma’s betrayal and cowardice, I couldn’t find a teardrop to express my hurt and brokenness. I folded the letter, kept it in my jewelry box, and carried on about my business like any other normal day. Deep within me, I was numb, confused, and deeply hurt, but I had to kill the negative emotions to be able to find myself again.
About 3weeks later, I arranged for a Zoom meeting with my kids since they were all away in school and talked to them about the new development in our family.
They were shocked; but they were more concerned about my well-being and encouraged me to live my life and most especially, travel to all the places I had always wanted to see.
It’s been 5 months since Danjuma left and I must be honest, a part of me would stand by the window, hoping to see him drive into the compound.
I had to live like it had never happened! I knew I needed to distract myself or I’d die of hypertension over a man who’s sucking young blood all over the country and acting like a badly raised boy.
I arranged for a Schengen visa and planned to visit a few countries on a solo trip. It was important for me to do this so I could cry my eyes out whenever I felt like without some comfort, distraction, or words of encouragement from anyone.
I needed to feel angry and rid myself of that bulge in my neck that tries to come out as a very loud scream.
I got to France and checked in at Hotel Lutetia, Paris. It is a very beautiful place with a spa, of course, an in-built swimming pool and a gym. The hotel staff were so nice and helpful in suggesting places I could visit and the best meals I should try as an African foreigner.
I spent the day visiting the stores, walking around the city, and taking pictures.
It made me feel young again; the things I missed doing because I was married to an ungrateful bastard. Oh well…..life is for the living, and live I shall…to the fullest. Time to live without boundaries.
One of the evenings I sat by the poolside, a French lady offered me a stick of cigarettes; “Oh, I don’t smoke, thanks,” I declined. She lit the cigarette, took a deep drag, and handed it to me. I reluctantly collected the lit cigarette and tried to drag it as she did.
I choked and coughed so hard it felt like my eyeballs would pop out. She laughed so hard and got up to offer some water. As I drank from her bottle, I looked at her like a dangerous cougar about to attack. She calmed me down and introduced herself as Nala; she was from South Africa but had lived in Paris for about 7 years.
We ordered a bottle of some nice, strong French wines and talked into the night.
In my drunkenness, I poured out all the emotions I’d been suppressing since Danjuma left me. I cried with an ugly face and removed my wig while at it. There was a lot of cursing too; I watched the video Nala took of me with utmost shame and embarrassment.
But it made us laugh so hard the next morning in her room. I was too drunk to remember my room number so she just took me to hers. We had breakfast before I went to freshen up and have some more rest. My rest was interrupted by a loud bang on my door; it was Nala and she’d come to drag me to the spa for a “special session.”
I threw on a T-shirt, Jean shorts, and a pair of flip-flops. I carried my bag and we were off to the spa. I was welcomed by a young man, I thought he was the receptionist but I would find out later that he managed the spa. Nala introduced me to him and told him it was my first time and he promised to give me my first experience.
I was shown to the shower, after which I took a towel and waited to be ushered into the massage space. The manager came in and introduced himself as Doyin….a Nigerian! I was so impressed and happy it made me feel safe. He showed me to the massage bed, where I laid face down with nothing on but the towel covering my butt.
He switched the lights to a shade of soft blue and played some slow jams. There were songs from Phil Collins, India Arie, Sade Adu, R. Kelly, and a few others…..it was a long, beautiful session. Doyin was a light-skinned guy in his early 30s. He had a nice physique, neat fingernails, and soft hands. His teeth were kind of funny, but I liked how they looked when he smiled.
I already liked him. While I was enjoying his hands all over my back and neck, he asked if it was okay to give me a butt massage. With my brows raised and about to say hell no, I had a quick rethink and just said, “Hell yeah…..it’s been a while since they had hands on them.”
We both laughed at my silliness and he slowly pulled the towel off my butt. I took a deep breath because I hadn’t had any other man touch me apart from my dumb ex-husband. As Doyin poured some warm oil over my butt, I felt such relaxation. Then his hands began to spread the oil all over my butt before he began squeezing softly, raising my butt cheeks while following the shape of them.
He did this thing where he would make a stroke from the nape of my neck down to my tailbone. It made me curl a little; like it woke some feeling inside of me. When he was done, he covered me up and asked me to follow him for a warm shower. I thought he meant we would shower together and I was like, “Just like that?”
When I noticed the look on his face, I knew I spoke too soon. He set the shower for me and set my belongings so I could dress up when I was done. Something about him makes me want to drop my boundaries and let loose. As I walked with Nala back to our hotel, she said she noticed how I eased up to Doyin.
I tried to deny it but then, what’s there to deny? So I told her I liked him but he was too young for me. Nala was a naughty lady; she told me to sin without remorse and repent when I returned to Nigeria. It was so funny but I found myself considering it. I was nursing a heartbreak and a broken marriage and the best I could do for myself was to live.
So we planned to go to the spa again and this time, Nala told me to request for the Special Secret Service. She gave me no info on what to expect, just that it was the best service and was best delivered by Doyin. We went a few days later and I requested the Special Secret Service.
Doyin wasn’t there but I requested that he should be my masseur. I was directed to a different room and told to shower and lay down while Doyin would be informed to attend to me. A few minutes later, the lights went off and the room was lit by candlelight, There was music playing in the background; it was “Time To Grow” by Lamar Obika.
I asked to have it on repeat because it was one of my favorite songs. As I laid on the table, my towel came off suddenly, but I didn’t protest. The feeling of the warm oil on my back relaxed my nerves. I took a deep breath as Doyin began to work his way around my back; with soft pressures on my waist, tender rubs on my neck, and a firm hold on my butt.
He drove his hands down to my feet and gave them some sweet massages too. With one oiled finger, he made a stroke from my tailbone to the nape of my neck and back down to my butt. I began to get sensitive to his every touch. I couldn’t stay still anymore.
He came around to the front and began to massage my shoulders, running his hands down my arms and across my back; moving closer to me with every move.
He whispered to me saying “This is the best part and feel free to express your feelings and thoughts without any shame”.
I wondered why I would be ashamed of anything, but then he went explicit over me in his birth suit and that’s when I understood. For a moment, I was uncomfortable but I relaxed within a minute. With every move he made, he stayed professional without getting aroused.
This made me wonder if Danjuma was right about me not being attractive anymore. In my full nakedness, I couldn’t arouse a man. All his words began to play over and over and I couldn’t hear the song in the background anymore. I lost it and flipped over, throwing Doyin off me as I pulled a towel and ran to the shower.
I stayed in the shower crying and wouldn’t say a word to Doyin as he kept asking if everything was okay. About 30 minutes later, I heard Nala call my name, I opened the door and let her in. She held me in my nakedness and calmed me down. As I walked out of the spa, I apologized to Doyin and told him it was nothing he did wrong.
For the next few days, I became a good smoker and an alcoholic. I went to clubs with Nala and did a lot of shopping. One evening, I sat by myself at the poolside and was surprised to hear Doyin’s voice behind me. I turned and truly it was him. In a light blue soft cotton T-shirt and white shorts.
He stopped by to check on me and ensure that I was doing good. I was happy to see him but I tried to hide it. We got talking and I got to know a lot about him. He had no family and had to move to France to get a better life for himself. He was done with school and was working at the spa till he could secure a better job.
I told him I was recently abandoned by my husband of 28 years for a younger woman and needed a vacation to clear my head. At this point, I had to explain to him that my action at the spa was because of the words my ex-husband told me, and feeling him naked on top of me without getting aroused made me realize that I really wasn’t attractive anymore.
Feeling embarrassed as I spoke those words, I bowed my head down with tears in my eyes. Doyin got up and sat beside me with his hands around me in a warm embrace. He spoke softly and I could hear the vibration of his voice in his chest.
I could smell the scent of his perfume and feel the softness of his hands as he held me.
When he was done talking, he kissed my forehead and told me I was beautiful and he loved how innocent I was even with my maturity. He pulled me up and we danced to the songs of the band playing by the poolside. As we swayed from left to right, he directed my hand to his groin and said, “You arouse every part of me… especially my heart.”
Doyin kissed me; his lips were sweet like fresh pineapple juice, soft as cotton, and moisturized like a baby’s skin. My body grew weak with every movement of his tongue on mine. Still swaying from left to right, still dancing, still stroking his zipline, still kissing the night away.
We stayed cuddled in each other’s arms under the star-clustered sky while we shared experiences on a lot of issues. Doyin walked me to my room, kissed me so passionately, and left. I had a quick shower and couldn’t wait to chat with him about what happened.
I grew fond of Doyin and our romance bloomed throughout my stay in France. With him, I didn’t need boundaries because he was my safe place. When he found out I had a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, he persuaded me to apply for a job and build a career in France.
It was such a great suggestion, but I wasn’t sure I could keep up in a new environment for such a long time—probably the rest of my life. I also knew that what I had with Doyin was not a sure thing to base my decision on. I had a week before returning to Nigeria and I already miss Doyin.
He had become such a huge part of my life that I didn’t know how I could manage without him. He was a stronghold that kept my mind together. He gave me peace and made me become a woman all over again. As we took an evening walk before my departure, Doyin held my hands and begged me to come back soon.
Hearing him say, “I love you,” was so assuring yet scary. He promised to wait for me. I wanted to tell him not to, but my heart was only alive when I was with him. I tried to speak, but he kissed me and told me to make him happy only if it made my soul happy.
Staring outside the window as I made my flight back to Nigeria, I wondered what I’d be doing. No husband or kids to cater to. My life would return to the boring pattern I’d been living for the past 28 years. As I walked into my house, it didn’t feel like a home anymore.
I couldn’t eat or even sleep at night. I wanted to call Doyin but I needed to be able to stand on my own. I tried to watch some movies but my mind kept drifting. I was restless. I made coffee and stared out the window into the dimly lit streets and the few cars that drove by.
I decided to clean up the house a little and got rid of all Danjuma’s belongings while at it. Just as I was packing his stuff, I found the house papers and a few other property documents. The ATM card to our joint account, where I deposited the money from the sale of the houses my late father willed to me.
I had a long nap after the cleaning and woke up to calls and messages from Doyin. The messages were all the signs I needed to make a final decision. I was ready to build a career and change the environment permanently. I got a good offer from sales of the house and two other properties.
The balance in the joint account was good for me too. I took a final look at the house as we drove out of the premises. I was heading back to France and so eager to surprise Doyin even though I hadn’t spoken to him since I left. I wondered if he had moved on, but it didn’t matter because he is the reason I have been able to heal.
I found love at 55 years; after a bad heartbreak. I found love in the heart of a man two times younger than I was. Someone with a mature mind who cares for my well-being. I am not worried about tomorrow with Doyin; no boundaries, he has fixed my yesterday’s and given me hope for a better tomorrow.
I am Adunni, and I found love without boundaries!
