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Ever get the feeling that your friendships revolve around someone else’s needs, emotions, and stories, while yours barely get a mention? If so, you might be dealing with narcissistic patterns in friendships
Friendships are supposed to be a haven of mutual support, respect, and understanding. But what happens when you find yourself constantly giving, while your friend takes more than they give?
When every conversation becomes a monologue about their life, and your experiences are sidelined? Narcissistic patterns can creep into friendships, leaving you feeling emotionally drained and undervalued.
For Africans in the Diaspora, where the value of community and strong relationships is deeply ingrained, it’s crucial to recognize these red flags early. Here are 7 self-reflection questions to ask yourself.
1. Do They Always Turn Conversations Back to Themselves?
Think about your last few conversations with this friend. Did you start talking about something important to you, only for them to pivot the conversation to their own experiences? 
For example, you might mention a stressful week at work, and they immediately jump in with, “That reminds me of the time I had to handle a tough project…” without acknowledging your feelings.
Narcissists crave attention and often use conversations as a platform to talk about themselves, rarely allowing the focus to shift to someone else. Over time, this can leave you feeling invisible and unheard in the friendship.
2. Do They Only Reach Out When They Need Something?
Think about how often your friend reaches out just to check in on you. Now, compare that to how often they contact you when they need something—a favor, advice, or emotional support.
If your friend is only present when they’re in need but is mysteriously absent when you could use a shoulder to lean on, this is a red flag. In a balanced friendship, both parties are there for each other.
However, narcissists view relationships as transactional, focusing on what they can get rather than what they can give. This can leave you feeling like your only role in the friendship is to serve their needs.
3. How Do They React When You Set Boundaries?
Imagine you tell your friend that you can’t meet up because you have other commitments, or you’re simply too tired. How do they react? Do they respect your boundaries, or do they push back, making you feel guilty or accusing you of not caring?
Narcissists often have a hard time accepting boundaries because they believe their needs should always come first. If your friend frequently reacts with anger, sulking, or attempts to guilt-trip you when you set limits, this behavior is a major warning sign.
According to a study published in Psychology Today, an inability to respect boundaries is a strong indicator of narcissistic behavior, as these individuals struggle to acknowledge others as independent people with their own needs.
4. Do They Display Genuine Empathy, or Is It Self-Serving?
Think about a time when you were going through a tough situation. Did your friend offer genuine empathy, or did they only show concern when there was something in it for them?
Narcissists can sometimes feign empathy, but it’s often shallow and self-serving. For instance, they might express concern about your well-being but quickly steer the conversation towards how your situation affects them.
Research in the Journal of Frontier Psychiatry points out that narcissists often use empathy strategically, not out of genuine concern but as a tool for manipulation. If your friend’s empathy feels conditional or opportunistic, this is a sign.
5. Are They Jealous of Your Achievements?
Reflect on how your friend reacts when you achieve something significant, whether it’s a promotion, a personal milestone, or even just a great day. Do they genuinely celebrate with you, or do they downplay your success, change the subject, or even act resentful?
Narcissists often struggle to celebrate others’ achievements because it shifts the focus away from them. They might offer a backhanded compliment, such as, “That’s great, but it’s not as impressive as what I did last year,” or they might suddenly talk about their achievements to steal the spotlight.
This behavior can undermine your confidence and create an unhealthy dynamic where you feel you need to downplay your successes to keep the peace.
6. Do They Constantly Seek Validation?
Consider how often your friend seeks compliments or reassurances. Do they frequently fish for validation, even in situations where it feels unnecessary?
For example, they might ask, “Do you think I handled that well?” after every minor decision, or constantly post on social media seeking likes and comments.
While everyone enjoys positive reinforcement, a narcissist’s need for validation is insatiable. If they don’t receive the praise they feel they deserve, they might become moody, distant, or even lash out.
7. How Do They Respond to Criticism?
Think about the last time you offered your friend constructive feedback. How did they react? Narcissists are notoriously hypersensitive to criticism. Even the slightest hint of disapproval can trigger a defensive, angry, or dismissive response.
For example, if you gently suggest they could handle a situation differently, they might accuse you of being jealous, overly critical, or simply wrong. This inability to accept any form of criticism without lashing out is a key sign of narcissistic patterns.
It creates an environment where honest, open communication is impossible, as you’re constantly walking on eggshells to avoid triggering a negative reaction.
Conclusion: Spotting Narcissistic Patterns in Friendships
Friendships should be a source of mutual support, joy, and growth. But if you find yourself resonating with several of these questions, it might be time to reassess the balance in your relationships.
Narcissistic patterns in friendships can be subtle but deeply damaging, eroding your self-esteem and emotional health over time. For Africans in the Diaspora, where the importance of strong, supportive relationships is often a cornerstone of the community, recognizing these patterns is crucial.
By asking yourself these questions and being honest about the answers, you can make informed decisions about who truly deserves a place in your life and who may be better loved from afar.
READ: The Gray Rock Method: A Controversial Technique to Deal with Narcissists
You’re at your cousin Akinyi’s wedding in Nairobi. Your Uncle Kamau, known for his drama-stirring ways, corners you.
He’s fishing for gossip about your recent job change But instead of taking the bait, you channel your inner pebble. Welcome to The Gray Rock Method
