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You’ve missed three family functions because “he doesn’t like crowds.” Your friends’ calls go straight to voicemail. That voice in your head whispers, “Leave,” but your heart races at the thought. Welcome to the labyrinth of trauma bonding in toxic relationships
Trauma bonding is like homesickness cranked up to eleven. Just as the scent of jollof rice can transport you back to Lagos, these unhealthy attachments hijack your emotions, defying logic and self-preservation.
It’s a survival instinct backfiring spectacularly, leaving many in our community suffering behind carefully curated social media facades. 
The Intoxicating Cycle of Pain and “Love”
Picture this: Your partner erupts, hurling insults that cut deeper than a dull panga. Maybe a slap echoes through the room. But then, like magic, they transform. Tears flow, promises pour out, and suddenly you’re wrapped in an embrace so tender it makes you forget to breathe. Your brain floods with oxytocin and dopamine – the same chemicals released when you bite into your favorite childhood treat.
This cycle repeats, as addictive as palm wine on a hot afternoon. You’re hooked on the intensity, the drama, the fleeting moments of bliss that follow the storms. It’s reminiscent of how we sometimes romanticize our homelands, glossing over hardships to focus on the bursts of joy and belonging.
Isolation: Cutting the Lifelines
Toxic partners often employ isolation tactics with surgical precision. “Your cousin is always starting drama,” they say. “Those church friends are a bad influence.” For those already an ocean away from their support systems, this isolation cuts deep.
Remember how Aunty Esi relied entirely on Uncle Kwame when they first moved to London in the ’80s? While times have changed, that vulnerability lingers in many diaspora households. You might find yourself dependent on your abuser for everything from emotional validation to visa renewals.
The Weight of Cultural Expectations
“Ehn? You want to bring shame to this family?” The fear of community judgment looms large. As African immigrants, we often feel pressure to be “model minorities,” our relationships a shining example of success. Admitting to domestic problems feels like failing not just yourself, but your entire lineage.
This shame becomes another link in the trauma bond. You stay, convinced that with enough prayer, enough patience, enough jollof rice, you can fix what’s broken.
Breaking Free From Trauma Bonding
Here’s a list of seven key actions to break free from trauma bonding in toxic relationships:
- Educate Yourself. Learn about trauma bonding to understand the psychological patterns at play.
- Rebuild Your Support Network. Reconnect with trusted family and friends and consider seeking therapy or support groups.
- Create a Safety Plan. Develop a plan for emergencies, including a packed bag, safe places, and emergency contacts.
- Document Abusive Incidents. Keep records of abuse, including dates and descriptions, for legal and support purposes.
- Challenge Cultural Expectations. Recognize that seeking help or leaving an abusive relationship is not a failure and seek support from trusted community members.
- Practice Self-Care and Set Boundaries. Engage in activities that nurture your well-being and establish healthy boundaries in your relationships.
- Plan for Independence. Focus on your future by setting goals for financial and personal independence, and explore resources for support.
Conclusion: Rediscovering Your Roots of Strength
Leaving a trauma bond requires support, often professional help, and a journey back to your authentic self.
Remember how moving abroad forced you to redefine yourself? Breaking free from a toxic relationship demands similar courage. It’s about reclaiming the resilience that carried your ancestors through colonialism, your parents through immigration, and you through countless challenges.
Seek out culturally sensitive therapists who understand the nuances of diaspora experiences. Reconnect with the community groups you’ve drifted from. Rediscover the strength in your cultural practices – whether it’s through the rhythms of Afrobeats or the meditative process of braiding hair.
Trauma bonding in toxic relationships is a complex web, especially within our diaspora communities. Recognizing the signs – the isolation, the emotional rollercoaster, the crippling shame – is the first step.
Remember, seeking help isn’t a betrayal of your culture or your partner. It’s reclaiming your power, your story, and your rightful place in a community that has always been about survival and thriving against the odds.
READ: How to Say No: A Guide to Setting Healthy Boundaries
Saying “No,” as simple as it seems, can be an extremely difficult word to say—sometimes even complicated. Many people perceive saying “No” as something wrong, even when it is inconvenient or to their detriment. Click here.
