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Key Highlights:
- Toxic marriage narratives have conditioned women to shrink themselves
- Marriage is a partnership, not a prison
- Women are redefining what they want and refusing to settle
For decades, women have been sold several toxic narratives in marriage that not only dim their light but also force them to live in the shadow of their husbands.
Marriage is a wonderful thing; love is sweet. However, some realities kick in immediately after marriage, like the possibility of losing your identity. For instance, society expects a woman to put her career or business on hold to nurture the children and cater to other household needs.
In many households, women often become sacrificial lambs in marriage. The expectations from her are so high that she burns herself out just to be called a “good mother” or a “perfect wife.”
In African families, especially, girls are taught to be domesticated from an early age, while boys are not properly trained on how to take care of a home or treat a woman. This imbalance has significantly contributed to the high divorce rates in today’s society. As a result of the wrong teachings, we now see boys who have become men, overly entitled because certain outdated beliefs have stroked their egos.
In this 21st century, men need to wake up and understand that times have changed. The women born today are not our grandmothers of yesterday, who would settle or accept any behavior or treatment.
Women today are demanding more from men; they are demanding emotional stability, freedom to pursue their dreams and aspirations, equal partnership in raising children, equal responsibility in caring for the home, etc; and any man who falls short of these expectations risks being left behind. This revolution is one of the primary factors contributing to divorce in many households.
Marriage is about equal partnership; you both came together to build a family, and whatever it takes to make it work, you are expected to do it. The truth is that both parties would have to compromise at some point in the marriage, that is, if they truly love themselves. This process often involves learning, unlearning, and relearning various aspects of their relationship.
Consider a scenario involving a married couple; they are both career-driven people, and both their jobs are quite demanding. One day, the man comes home earlier, feeling very hungry. Instead of cooking something or ordering food, he decides to wait for his wife, who won’t be home until 8 PM. When she finally arrives, exhausted and unable to prepare a meal, he becomes upset, leading to a heated argument.
This unnecessary argument would have been avoided only if the man had shown empathy and hadn’t seen cooking as the sole responsibility of a woman. Do you know that some men feel emasculated when they are told to enter the kitchen to cook? Like they see themselves as less of a man for cooking. Sadly, our culture is a major contributor to this mindset.
It is advisable that people ask all the necessary questions while dating to avoid unnecessary heartbreak or surprises in the future. Don’t be swayed by good looks or superficial attraction. Ensure your values align, and don’t adjust your standards for anyone. This could help you avert potential issues!
Make sure you understand your partner’s expectations regarding gender roles, financial responsibilities, and other vital aspects.
Unlearn the Lies: Break Free From Outdated Marriage Expectations
Now, let’s address the elephant in the room, the toxic marriage narratives or propaganda that have been sold to women for generations. These lies have negatively impacted the way men perceive women as well as undermined the value women bring to the home. They are as follows:
1. Marriage Will Complete You
Society makes women believe that no matter how accomplished or fulfilled they are, they are still “incomplete” until married.
This erroneous ideology ties women’s values to marriage; it reduces a woman’s identity to her relationship status, making her feel inadequate or “unfinished” if single. This narrative often pressures young ladies to settle for less, emotionally unavailable, or incompatible partners just to feel “whole.”
A healthy relationship should enhance your life, not define it. Marriage should be a complement to your self-love, not a cure for loneliness or insecurity.
2. A Woman’s Value Peaks with Youth and Marriageability
Our society is obsessed with women’s youth, tying their worth to looks, fertility, and the ability to attract a man.
This toxic propaganda leads women to fear aging, rush into marriage, or sacrifice authenticity to stay “desirable.” This also sends the message that older, unmarried women are failures.
This toxic propaganda encourages ageism and anxiety around aging. It pushes women to rush into relationships before they know themselves, fearing they’ll become “undesirable.”
Society needs to understand that a woman’s value is not measured by youth or male validation. Her growth, wisdom, maturity, and lived experiences add depth and richness to who she is, not diminish it.
3. You Must Sacrifice for the Marriage No Matter What
It is often preached that a “good wife” must endure everything in the marriage, including neglect, infidelity, and disrespect, all for the sake of the family or reputation.
This toxic narrative promotes self-neglect and emotional burnout, and enables abusive dynamics in a relationship. It glorifies suffering as loyalty, it conditions women to believe that the price for love is pain.
But the truth is that sacrifice in love must be mutual and healthy; it is not one-sided. As a woman, you deserve a relationship where your needs and boundaries are equally honored.
4. Good Women Can Fix Broken Men
This toxic narrative is predominant in African culture. This propaganda believes that a patient, loving woman can transform a toxic or emotionally immature man into a better version of himself. For example, women are told to pray for their cheating husbands.
This lie places the emotional labor of a relationship solely on the woman and excuses bad male behavior. It teaches women not to demand accountability from men.
Healing is a personal responsibility. You are not his therapist, savior, or mother. Your love should not be payment for basic respect or growth.
5. Being a Wife and Mother Is the Ultimate Feminine Goal
Society reduces a woman’s goals and aspirations to domestic roles. For a woman, her highest achievement is being a wife and mother.
This narrative equates womanhood with domestic roles or caregiving. If you’re not married or a mother, society labels you as incomplete or selfish.
It limits women’s aspirations and silences female autonomy. Many women are shamed today for choosing careers, adventure, or child-free lives.
But really, womanhood is not a job description. Whether you choose marriage, motherhood, both, or neither, you are still powerful, feminine, and whole.
6. Your Value Decreases As You Age
This lie weaponizes time against women. It breeds fear: fear of not finding a partner, of being “left behind,” or becoming invisible.
The popular notion is that aging makes women invisible, unattractive, and unworthy of love. This causes shame, desperation, and fear around growing older. It drives women to cling to their youth and seek approval from others to feel valuable.
But aging is not decline—it’s evolution. Age is power. Confidence, self-knowledge, emotional depth, and life experience are sexy. You become more, not less, as you age.
7. Be His Peace, Even if He’s Your Chaos
This phrase has gone viral as a badge of honor for women: remain calm, soft, and forgiving, no matter how difficult your man is.
This is a dangerous narrative that encourages narcissistic behavior. It excuses male emotional immaturity and demands silence from women. It makes her responsible for regulating his emotions while ignoring her own.
However, peace should be a two-way street. You deserve to be loved with the same gentleness and emotional care that’s expected of you.
8. It’s Better to Be Married Than Alone
The fear of loneliness is one of the oldest tools used to pressure women into settling. It’s what convinces people to accept “just good enough” relationships.
This fear drives women into unfulfilling or even dangerous marriages, thinking it’s better than the stigma of being single.
Singleness is not a curse—it’s a phase of self-discovery, freedom, and choice. A peaceful single life is far better than a chaotic or loveless marriage.
9. Your Husband Is Your Lord, Not Your Friend
This belief places men in a godlike position; it is demanding submission rather than partnership.
While it may be rooted in some cultural or religious interpretations, it devalues intimacy, collaboration, and emotional equality. Some men have abused this, exerting dominance in the relationship.
Marriage should be based on friendship, trust, and mutual respect—not fear or control.
10. A Husband Has No Business In The Kitchen
Cooking and housework have long been labeled as “women’s work,” even when women also work full-time jobs. It enforces outdated gender roles and leaves women chronically overwhelmed and undervalued.
Cooking is a survival skill that both men and women should possess. Domestic labor is human work, not gendered. In a partnership, both contribute to building and maintaining the home, especially when both parties are career-driven.
11. It’s Normal For Your Husband Not To Have Your Time
Men are often excused for being emotionally or physically absent, especially after marriage. Women are often taught to expect less and be content with crumbs.
But time, attention, and presence are core ingredients in love. If a man always “has no time” for you, it’s not just neglect—it’s a choice. So, if he has time for everything else but you, he’s choosing where his energy goes.
You deserve a partner who shows up. Someone who loves to spend every minute with you.
12. Men Stop Being Romantic After Marriage
Romance is just for the courtship phase; after marriage, effort disappears. That is a lie!
This narrative allows men to become complacent and emotionally distant, while women silently long for connection. Also, it kills intimacy and creates emotional starvation. In the long run, women end up reminiscing about the past while feeling neglected in the present.
Romance is a habit, not a phase. The truth is love needs attention, expression, and effort to thrive. Look for a partner who is a romantic person and show them how you truly want to be loved.
13. No Time For Date Nights After Marriage
People say responsibility replaces intimacy, and romance gets buried under bills, routines, and parenting.
This belief is harmful because when emotional neglect sets in, couples drift apart, becoming more of business partners or roommates.
Date nights don’t require extravagance—just intentional time. Investing in connection keeps love fresh and deep.
14. Nurturing a Baby is a Woman’s Sole Responsibility
The idea that only women should nurture a baby unfairly burdens mothers, leading to exhaustion, resentment, and emotional burnout.
It also robs fathers of the opportunity to bond deeply with their children and reinforces outdated gender roles that harm the entire family dynamic.
Parenting should be a shared commitment—emotionally, physically, and mentally—to ensure a balanced, healthy family dynamic. The man should be able to change the baby’s diaper.
15. Once Married, You Shouldn’t Keep Friends
Married women are expected to discard their friends and make their husbands and kids her entire world.
This ideology is wrong because it isolates women, makes them emotionally dependent, and strips away their support system.
Friendships are essential for mental health and identity. You’re still an individual, not just someone’s wife.
A partner who demands you give up your support system is likely controlling, not committed. Friendships are lifelines. You can be a loving partner and maintain a vibrant community.
16. A Woman Should Shoulder all Household Responsibilities
Women are naturally better at homemaking, so it’s their “duty.” This belief turns love into labor and leaves women exhausted and underappreciated.
Every adult in the home should contribute. Domestic labor should be shared, not assigned based on outdated gender roles.
A loving partner contributes equally and doesn’t see household tasks as beneath them.
17. You’re Lucky If a Man Chooses You
This belief flips the script to place women in a passive role, desperate for male validation. It suggests a woman’s value is measured by her ability to be picked.
In truth, you choose too. You’re not “lucky” to be chosen—you’re worthy of mutual choice, respect, and love.
Marriage Is a Partnership, Not a Sacrifice
Women need to unlearn toxic narratives about marriage that limit their freedom and self-worth. Marriage should be a space of mutual love, growth, and partnership, not a prison of sacrifice or submission.
As women reclaim their power and seek balanced relationships, they challenge outdated norms and foster healthier unions. A woman’s worth is not defined by her marital status or societal expectations… she is whole and deserving of love that respects her identity and dreams.
Read: Warning Signs of Toxic Family Dynamics and How to Protect Your Marriage
No family is perfect; however, some toxic behaviors and unhealthy patterns can strain relationships.
Read to explore the warning signs of toxic family dynamics and how to protect your marriage.
