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Dating can be tricky no matter where you are, but for returnees to Africa, it’s a different ball game. The cultural expectations, the shifting dynamics of modern dating, and the personal adjustments needed can make finding a romantic partner difficult.
In this article, we’ll unpack some of the main obstacles returnees face when trying to navigate the dating scene in Africa. We’ll look at cultural reintegration, the pressure of societal expectations, differing values, and how returnees can overcome these hurdles to build meaningful connections.
1. Cultural Adjustments
When you’ve spent years abroad, you’ve likely adapted to a different way of life in terms of communication, dating customs, or expectations from relationships. Upon returning to Africa, many returnees find themselves caught between two cultural frameworks: the one they’ve lived abroad and the one they’re stepping back into. 
For example, in some African countries, dating is often more traditional, with families playing a more involved role in relationship decisions. While abroad, you might have grown accustomed to more independent approaches, where dating is more liberal and often less tied to family dynamics. Now, you’re expected to navigate these contrasting expectations.
The challenge here is balancing the modern dating mindset you’ve acquired overseas with the more traditional values that still hold sway back home. For returnees, this can cause confusion or frustration, as the seamless flow of dating they experienced abroad may not translate well into the African context.
2. Societal Pressure to Settle Down
In many African cultures, societal expectations around dating and marriage are high. If you’re a returnee, especially one approaching your 30s or older, you may find yourself under immense pressure to “settle down” quickly.
Parents, extended family, and even friends might remind you of your “biological clock” or talk about the importance of getting married and starting a family sooner rather than later.
This pressure is amplified for women who, while abroad, may have felt free to pursue their careers, passions, or other personal goals without the weight of such expectations. Here in Africa, the cultural narrative around gender roles and marriage is more traditional, creating a sense of urgency around relationships
It’s not just marriage expectations, though. For many, there’s also a concern around the status of their potential partner. Family members might ask, “What does he or she do?” or “Which family are they from?”
This focus on financial stability and social standing can make dating feel more transactional than romantic, especially if you’re seeking a partner based on mutual interests and personal connection.
3. Clashing Values and Beliefs
Living abroad often means being exposed to new values, ideologies, and worldviews. These experiences shape how returnees view love, relationships, and life itself. But when dating back in Africa, there’s a chance that the values you now hold dear don’t always align with those of potential partners or even society at large.
For example, you might place a high value on equality in a relationship, expecting a 50/50 split in decision-making and household responsibilities. However, you could encounter men or women who still hold more traditional views of gender roles, where the man is seen as the primary provider and the woman as the nurturer.
In addition to gender dynamics, issues like religious beliefs, views on family planning, and even lifestyle choices can create friction. Returnees often find themselves searching for a middle ground between their personal beliefs and the more conservative or traditional values they might encounter.
4. Different Dating Norms and Expectations
Dating cultures vary significantly across Africa, and returnees often find themselves facing dating rules they didn’t even know existed.
In some countries, the concept of “dating” as understood in Western cultures (i.e., casual dating, getting to know someone over time) might not be as prevalent. In these contexts, dating can be more direct and may lead to quicker commitments.
For instance, while dating abroad might have involved casual meet-ups, spending time together, and evaluating compatibility over time, in some African settings, there’s often an expectation that relationships will progress toward marriage much faster. This can be a startling adjustment for returnees who aren’t ready to make such big commitments so soon.
Additionally, the dating apps and digital dating culture that have become common in Western countries are also growing in Africa, but their adoption varies by region and demographic. Returnees might feel out of place when they try to use these apps, finding fewer matches or people who aren’t as serious about dating through these platforms.
5. Struggling to Find Like-Minded Partners
One of the biggest challenges for returnees is finding partners who share their experiences and values. Many returnees often feel a bit out of place—too “foreign” for those who have never left but are still deeply connected to their African roots.
You might find it difficult to connect with people who haven’t lived abroad and don’t understand the cultural nuances you’ve acquired during your time away. You might even feel like potential partners don’t “get” your experiences, lifestyle, or aspirations. This is a common dilemma for many returnees, and it can make dating feel like a series of dead-end conversations.
In some cases, returnees may gravitate toward fellow returnees, as they share similar experiences, values, and perspectives. However, the pool of returnees can be small depending on where you are in Africa, limiting your dating options.
6. Rebuilding Your Social Network
Dating often starts with having a solid social network. When you’re abroad, your social circle is built around work, school, or immigrant communities.
Returning to Africa often means starting from scratch, especially if you’ve been away for a long time. Many returnees feel like they have to rebuild their entire social network, which can make dating more challenging.
The lack of a robust support system can also affect your mental and emotional well-being, which in turn impacts how you approach dating. Some returnees resort to reconnecting with old friends or family, but these relationships may not always provide the kinds of social connections conducive to modern dating.
7. Dealing with Expectations “Coming Back Wealthy”
There’s often an unspoken expectation that returnees will come back wealthy or financially secure. This perception can lead to awkward dating dynamics, where potential partners might expect a higher level of material support or lavish displays of wealth.
For returnees who are still building their careers or starting fresh, this pressure can feel overwhelming. It can also complicate relationships where money becomes a focal point rather than emotional connection or shared values.
Navigating this dynamic can be particularly tricky, as it’s important to find a partner who sees you for who you are rather than what you can provide materially.
To Conclude,
Dating as a returnee in Africa is filled with unique challenges, from balancing cultural values to managing societal expectations and finding like-minded partners. While the experience can be frustrating, it also provides an opportunity for personal growth, self-reflection, and a deeper understanding of your identity.
The key to overcoming these hurdles is patience, openness, and adaptability. By acknowledging the cultural nuances and embracing the journey, returnees can find fulfilling relationships that bridge the gap between their experiences abroad and their roots in Africa.
