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Ever heard the phrase, “The perfect is the enemy of the good”? When it comes to marriage, particularly among Africans in the diaspora, this couldn’t ring truer.
In African culture, marriage has historically been a communal affair, a bond that ties not just two people but their families, cultures, and communities.
The idea of marriage as a perfect union has been perpetuated through generations, often depicted in folktales, songs, and now, through the lens of Nollywood and Hollywood’s portrayal of love stories. 
However, the reality often deviates from the glossy images of films like “The Wedding Party,” where the comedic mishaps lead to an ultimately perfect ending. Professor Mary Laner warns, “When the marriage or the partner fails to live up to our ideals, we don’t recognize that our expectations were much too high. Instead, we blame our spouse or that particular relationship.”
This pursuit can manifest in expecting a spouse to be everything from a passionate lover to a flawless co-parent, creating an impossible standard that real life can never meet.
The Detriments of Perfectionism in Marriage
The pursuit of a perfect marriage often results in a high-stress environment, akin to living in a rom-com where the plot must always resolve happily by the end.
This pressure can lead couples to compare their everyday lives to the curated, often exaggerated lives seen in movies or shared on social media. Take for instance the picturesque family moments on Instagram or the unrealistic expectations set by shows like “The Real Housewives.”
Such comparisons foster disappointment when daily life doesn’t mirror the perfection seen on screen. This obsession with perfection can halt the natural progression of a relationship, where growth comes from navigating life’s imperfections together, not from replicating an idealized scenario.
Embracing the Good Over the Perfect
To build a marriage that thrives on reality rather than fantasy, consider this: In the film “Tsotsi,” the protagonist, after a life of crime, finds redemption through unexpected responsibility, not perfection. Similarly, Africans in the diaspora can:
- Set Realistic Goals: Just like the characters in “Black Girl” learn to find their place in the world, couples can aim for a partnership that grows through real-life challenges, not just the highlight reel moments.
- Communicate Openly: Think of the dialogues in “A United Kingdom,” where Seretse and Ruth discuss their life openly, highlighting the importance of talking through issues rather than expecting an unspoken understanding.
- Celebrate Imperfections: Much like “District 9,” which celebrates the beauty of being different, couples can find joy in their unique quirks and the imperfections that make their story uniquely theirs.
- Cultural Fusion: Drawing inspiration from modern African cinema, like “From A Whisper,” where characters blend old traditions with new realities, couples can create a marriage that respects heritage while embracing new cultural contexts.
- Seek Support: Just as in “Soul Food,” where family gatherings are a source of strength and advice, don’t hesitate to lean on community or professional support to navigate marital life.
Conclusion: The Beauty of the Flawed Journey
The diaspora experience has always been about blending, adapting, and evolving. The narrative of marriage in African communities has shifted from the traditional to include contemporary influences.
After all, it’s the flawed, real moments shared between partners that often forge the strongest bonds, much like the enduring love stories passed down through generations, now adapted and lived out in new lands.
