It’s a balmy Friday evening in August, the kind that reminds you of Lagos nights but without the ever-present hum of generators. The sweet night air of your new home in America feels different from back home. You look at your lover and wonder, “What was their life like before me?” Your heart beats faster. Should you ask about their past?
This question weighs heavier than a bag of garri on many hearts, especially for those of us who’ve journeyed from the red dust of harmattan-swept streets to the neatly mowed lawns of American suburbia. Let’s unpack this dilemma.
When Asking Might Be Sweet
Sometimes, knowing about your partner’s past can be as nourishing as a steaming bowl of Mama’s egusi soup on a homesick Sunday. Here’s when it might be good to ask:
1. Health Matters
Imagine Amina gets those bone-deep chills that remind you of your cousin Emeka’s battle with malaria during the flood season of 2012. What if she carries the sickle cell trait, common among our people but often undiagnosed in rural areas? Knowing her health history could be as crucial as remembering which bitter herbs Grandma Adaeze prescribed for every ailment – from stomach aches to evil eye.
2. Understanding Behavior
Perhaps your love jumps at the crack of Fourth of July fireworks, eyes wide with the same terror you saw in Uncle Chidi’s face when he recounted fleeing the Biafran war. If you knew she’d lived through the religious riots in Jos in 2008, you could comfort her as tenderly as a mother elephant guards her calf, understanding the deep roots of her fear.
3. Building Trust
Sharing stories can weave your hearts together like the intricate beadwork on an Edo bride’s gele. It might reveal that you both learned to swim in the same bend of the Cross River, just years apart, creating a connection as strong as the bitter kola nut shared at traditional weddings.
When Silence Might Be Wise
But remember, our elders say, “The mouth is not a fork to pick up every morsel.” There are times when it’s better to let sleeping dogs lie, as peaceful as a Sunday morning in the village.
1. Jealousy Problems
If hearing about old flames makes your blood boil hotter than Aunty Nneka’s pepper soup, it might be wiser to leave those stories untold. Jealousy can corrode a relationship faster than rust on a danfo bus in the rainy season.
2. Painful Memories
Some of our brothers and sisters carry stories darker than the bottom of an abandoned well. Tales of two-week journeys across the Sahara in the back of a ruthless smuggler’s truck, or months spent in a leaky boat on the Mediterranean, praying to survive another day. If they’re not ready to relive those nightmares, don’t force them. Let healing come as gradually and naturally as the greening of the Sahel after the first rains.
3. Fresh Starts
Remember how it felt to step off that Delta flight at O’Hare, clutching your life’s possessions in two suitcases and a Ghana-must-go bag? The mix of anticipation and dread as dizzying as your first taste of burukutu at your cousin’s traditional wedding? Sometimes, people want to start anew, like planting the first yam in a freshly cleared field. Respect their desire to focus on the future, not the past that they left behind at Murtala Muhammed International Airport.
How to Ask About Your Partner’s Past
If you decide to ask, approach the subject as carefully as you would navigate the potholes.
1. Choose the Right Time
Don’t ask when your love is as stressed as a market woman during the tomato shortage of 2016. Wait for a peaceful moment, perhaps when you’re both relaxed after sharing a Sunday afternoon meal of jollof rice and plantain, with Sauti Sol playing softly in the background.
2. Explain Why
Tell them, “I want to know you as intimately as I know the twists and turns of the dirt road leading to my ancestral village. Your past is part of who you are, and I cherish all of you, like how we savor every morsel of meat in draw soup.” Let your words flow as smoothly as palm oil on hot yam.
3. Be Ready to Listen
Open your ears as wide as the doors of the National Mosque in Abuja on a Friday afternoon. Listen without judgment, the way the mighty Niger Delta mangroves listen to the whispers of the tide, absorbing every word like nutrient-rich silt.
4. Share Your Own Past
Offer your own stories first, like extending the first handful of kola nuts to an honored guest at a naming ceremony. Maybe tell them about the scar on your elbow from falling off your uncle’s old Raleigh bicycle while learning to ride, or how your grandmother taught you to crack palm kernels so skillfully you could do it blindfolded by age ten.
What to Remember
Here is what to never forget;
- Everyone Has a Past: Like how every tuber of cassava has roots hidden in the earth, every person has a history. Some roots go deep like the Iroko, and others spread wide like the Baobab, but all help shape who we are.
- The Present is a Gift: Focus on your life together now, like how we celebrate Eid al-Fitr after a month of fasting. Each day is a fresh start, full of possibility and sweetness, like breaking fast with a ripe date.
- Growth Comes from Understanding: Learning about each other can help your love grow strong and tall like the cotton trees of the rainforest, its canopy reaching towards the heavens while its roots dig deep into the rich, red soil of your shared experiences.
In the end, whether to ask about your partner’s past is a choice as personal as picking your favorite soup at Mama Put. Think about it carefully, like a village elder pondering a land dispute between neighboring families. Let your decision be guided by love and respect, as surely as the evening star guided our ancestors across vast savannas long before GPS and Google Maps.
Conclusion
Remember, the story of your love with Amina is like a fresh exercise book on the first day of school. Whether you know all the lessons that came before or not, you have the power to fill its pages with tales of joy, understanding, and a love as deep and endless as Lake Chad in its prime.
Make it a story worthy of being told around the fire for generations to come, from the streets of Chicago all the way back to the heart of our homeland.
READ: Is It Too Soon? When to Introduce Your Partner to Friends and Family
So, when exactly is the perfect time? This article will explore the factors to consider and provide guidance on how to navigate this important step.
