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Are you the reigning queen (or king) of messing up a good thing when it comes to relationships? Always finding a way to self-sabotage any potential for real lasting love? Listen up, because if there’s one thing we all struggle with in the diaspora, it’s our relationship demons
Let’s start by getting crystal clear on what self-sabotage in love looks like for us. Maybe it’s the classic move of going LA Lori Harvey on your situationship as soon as things get a little too serious. You know, completely ghosting or icing out your person over something small like them not calling you back right away or liking another woman’s pic on the ‘Gram.
Or perhaps you channel your inner Nicki Minaj\Meek Mill energy and get recklessly jealous/possessive, engaging in constant social media snooping and flinging wild accusations about them.
For others, self-sabotage means embodying the pettiness of a Lil’ Duval relationship meme. You know, saying outrageously disrespectful things meant to tear down your partner’s self-esteem and make them feel inadequate.
Overcoming Your Relationship Demons: A Step-by-Step Guide
Enough with the doom and gloom! The good news is, you don’t have to stay stuck in these destructive cycles. Here’s a step-by-step guide to overcoming your relationship demons:
Get real with yourself
Denial is not just a river in Egypt, my friends. Take an honest, unfiltered look at your dating patterns and toxic behaviors.
Journaling about your triggers, seeking professional therapy to unpack your childhood, or even just talking it out with your day-ones over old-fashioned can help shed light on your blind spots.
Heal your wounds
Childhood trauma from an abusive father or neglectful mother. The scars of being cheated on by your college sweetheart Jamal. The ache of watching your parents’ hatred towards each other fester.
We all have emotional baggage that informs our beliefs about love – but you can’t build healthy relationships until you unpack and heal from that pain.
Whether through traditional counseling, reading self-help classics like “The Body Keeps The Score“, or tapping into ancestral healing practices like setting intentions with cowrie shells, you have to do the inner work to release those old hurts.
Rewrite your love story
Our core beliefs and narratives about how love and relationships “should” be are deeply ingrained since childhood, but they don’t have to define us.
Consciously challenge those limiting beliefs about having to “struggle” to receive love, or that all men are players who will ultimately disappoint you.
Use daily affirmations like “I deserve a love that honors my worth”, create a vision board with images representing the healthy, passionate union you desire, and be open to new perspectives by listening to insightful podcasts or following conscious social media accounts.
Practice radical self-love
At the end of the day, the greatest love affair is the one you have with yourself. Invest in building your self-confidence through habits like reciting affirmations in the mirror each morning, and setting firm boundaries with those who disrespect you.
When you truly love and accept yourself fully, you’re far less likely to sabotage the good things coming your way through self-destructive behaviors.
Be patient and compassionate
Dismantling deeply rooted cycles and overcoming self-sabotage in love is some of the hardest work you’ll ever do – but it’s so worth it.
There will be slip-ups and moments of weakness where your demons get the better of you. But don’t revert to your old script of berating yourself mercilessly.
Break the cycle of self-punishment by practicing compassion. Celebrate your smallest wins, learn from your mistakes without judgment, and keep taking brave steps forward. You got this!
Conclusion: Self-Sabotage in Love
We all deserve to experience the freedom, passion, and security of healthy, fulfilling love. But more importantly, we deserve the confidence and wholeness that come from knowing our self-worth.
By recognizing and overcoming self-sabotage, you’re not only improving your relationships – you’re leveling up as a powerful, conscious woman (or man) ready to break generational curses. So go forth, love warriors of the diaspora, and slay those relationship demons once and for all!
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This article discusses the various ways this living situation can impact romantic relationships.
