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Sarah Dessen said “Grief can be a burden, but also an anchor. You get used to the weight and how it holds you in place.”
When it comes to supporting someone in grief, it can be hard to find the right words. Many people don’t know how to handle other people’s pain and are often confused about how to help a grieving friend.
Death is a sensitive topic and many people avoid talking about it because it’s a reality slap of our mortality. This article will explore words that should be avoided when speaking to a grieving friend and how we can better give our support. 
Words Not to Say to Someone in Grief
As someone who has had first-hand experience with grief, it is safe to say that the exact words to say to a grieving person do not exist. Most of the words people say to a grieving person are generic and a grieving person would not want to hear those words in that moment.
Grief isn’t something you can fix with eloquent phrases. In the beginning, nothing you say will make it better. So, stop worrying about trying to take away the pain because that won’t happen. Instead, focus on saying things you mean with compassion. By doing this, your loved one can see that you care.
Here are some words you should not say to a grieving person:
“It was God’s will,” “God has a plan,” or “Everything happens for a reason.”
Yes, grievers are aware that some things are just out of hand and nothing can be done about them. But someone who’s in grief does not want to hear this phrase, “It is the will of God”. A griever will ask “Why would God just want me to suffer?”, Or they will say, God must truly hate me for making me go through this pain.
While many take comfort in the belief in a greater plan, death can cause many people to question God, their understanding of God’s omnibenevolence, and their faith in general. This can be the case even for people whose faith is extremely deep and for those who don’t, it can feel distant and alienating.
“Don’t cry” or “ Crying does not bring the dead back.”
A few years ago, I lost my dad, and I remember that for some days I didn’t cry. I knew he was gone, but my brain seemed to not want to accept the fact. After a while, his loss hit me, and it was all fresh and the tears came flowing. It was as if my brain, mind, and soul just got the message that my pop was no more.
I later learned from research that the condition is called “absent grief.” It is very insensitive to tell someone who just lost their loved one to stop crying or to stay strong.
Deep down, they know they should, but telling them when they are still mourning is like a slap to them. Many are already getting anxious about how to handle the responsibilities left by the deceased, such as the children, property, debts, etc.
Everyone grieves in their own unique way—some people will cry a lot. While some people won’t. It is important to understand there is no right or wrong way to grief. Whichever way someone decides to grieve, they should feel supported to cry as much as they want to, and if they are not crying, try not to judge how they should feel.
“I know how you feel.”
This is one of the most common phrases you hear from people who come to visit the bereaved. But the truth remains: no one knows how a person feels in a situation they’ve never been in. Sure, you may think you know or have an idea what they will be feeling, but you can never truly know what they feel unless it has happened to you before.
And even if you have been in their situation before, I can assure you that telling them you know how they feel does not make any difference. Remember, people are different, and how they react to situations and instances is different too. Understandably, you want them to feel like you can relate; however, it is useless to compare grief at that moment.
“It will get easier; with time, the pain will go away.”
Yes, it is true. Time does heal. But remember, this list is not about things that aren’t true. It is about things that aren’t helpful to say. Realistically, things probably will get easier. But for people who are in the dark hole of grief, it is not easy to accept. The prospect of healing to them at that moment is like they are forgetting their loved one.
He or she is in a better place
What better place could be better than being with loved ones? This phrase is a hard concept for someone who is grieving a loved one. Although after a while, it’s easy to accept, saying this immediately after a loss is not ideal.
In everything, let’s give thanks (God has a purpose for everything)
Outrightly wrong thing to say. Do you know what someone who’s grieving will think? So God’s plan is to take away this little kid’s father or mother? Is that truly how God works? To give people pain?
A few years back, I was in a place to pay my condolence to a neighbour who just lost her daughter, and people who came around kept saying, God has a purpose for everything. These words were triggering and made the grieving mother ask those people if they’d wish for God to do the same to them so they could also feel the same.
In her words, “You all keep saying God’s purpose this and that, but would you ask for such?” they all kept quiet. It’s quite understandable to want to support a grieving friend but most times there are just no words to make the pain go.
How You Can Show Support To a Grieving Friend
1. Show Empathy
Showing empathy for the bereaved is a great way to show support and comfort. Simple phrases like :
- I can’t truly imagine how you’re feeling right now, but I’m sure this is difficult
- You must be dealing with a lot
Can make them express their feelings. This gives them an avenue to talk about the emotions they have bottled up. And when this happens, you don’t have to search for words to make them feel better. Just listening to them is okay.
2. Share Positive Memories of the Deceased
One of the most helpful things you can do for a grieving person is share a memory of their loved one. Talking about the deceased at the time of mourning can bring some kind of peace to the family.
Talking about their good deeds and funny moments is a good way to help and show support. It allows the family to know and see from other perspectives that even when their loved one is no more, he’s done things that people would not forget.
3. Ask About the Deceased
When someone dies, people tend to walk on eggshells around the family who are grieving. It is quite understandable that you don’t want to remind them of their loss and the fact that they are grieving. However, you can ask someone who is grieving to reminisce on good times by asking specific questions about their loved one.
4. Simply Show Your Genuine Support
You can show support to a grieving friend by being genuinely there for them. You can ask them how you can help or what they’d like you to do for them. Help them with little chores around the house like doing laundry, cleaning up the environment, etc. This will make them feel they are not alone.
In Conclusion,
While death is inevitable and a constant in life, losing a loved one is never easy to accept. The pain never truly goes away, but with time, you can learn to live with it while cherishing the memories they left behind.
This quote from Lexi Berhndht sums up everything we’ve talked about so far. So here it goes:
“As far as I can see, grief will never truly end. It may become softer overtime, more gentle, but some days will feel sharp, but grief will last as long as love does— forever. It’s simply the way the absence of your loved one manifests in your heart. A deep longing, accompanied by the deepest love. Some days, the heavy fog may return, and the next day, it may recede once again. It’s all an ebb and flow, a constant dance of sorrow and joy, pain and sweet love.” Lexi Berhndt, Scribbles and Crumbs
