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Have you ever winced at a raised voice or felt a knot of anxiety tighten in your stomach at the mere mention of “consequences”? Many of us are raised by parents who set clear boundaries and high expectations.
I’ve seen children who are shouted at or beaten up because they either made a mistake or didn’t meet their parents’s expectations. To parents like that, they are disciplining their child but where does strict parenting end and a controlling environment begin?
This article delves into the long-term effects of growing up under strict parents, specifically how different forms of strictness can impact self-esteem in adulthood.
We’ll explore how children develop coping mechanisms for these environments and, most importantly, offer pathways to healing and rebuilding self-worth.
The Many Faces of Strict Parenting
Authoritarian parenting, often referred to as “strict parenting,” encompasses a range of styles, each with different effects on a child’s self-esteem. Here are some common forms of strictness: 
A. Harsh Punishments: This approach relies on fear as a motivator. Frequent yelling, physical punishment, or severe consequences for minor infractions can damage a child’s sense of security and self-worth. Feeling constantly on edge leads to anxiety and self-doubt, hindering their ability to take risks and learn from mistakes.
B. Constant Criticism: Parents who constantly criticize a child’s performance or appearance erode their confidence. Negative feedback, especially without positive reinforcement, can make a child feel like they’re never good enough. This internal critic can follow them into adulthood, leading to fear of failure and difficulty accepting compliments.
C. Extreme Control: Parents who dictate every aspect of a child’s life, from their activities to their friends, hinder their development of autonomy. Children raised in such environments often lack confidence in their decision-making abilities and struggle to develop a strong sense of self. They may become people-pleasers, constantly seeking external validation.
It’s important to note that some forms of strictness can have positive outcomes. Clear rules and expectations provide structure and a sense of safety for children.
However, the key lies in the balance between discipline and warmth. Effective strict parenting involves setting clear boundaries with love, open communication, and opportunities for children to develop independence.
Coping Mechanisms and Their Impact
Children raised by strict parents often develop coping mechanisms to navigate a demanding environment. While these strategies may serve them in childhood, they can become detrimental in adulthood.
A. People-Pleasing: Children who are constantly seeking approval from their parents may carry this behavior into their adult relationships. They may prioritize others’ needs over their own, leading to resentment and difficulty setting boundaries. This constant need for external validation negatively impacts their self-esteem.
B. Perfectionism: In an effort to avoid criticism, children of strict parents may develop a fear of failure and a relentless pursuit of perfection. This manifests in workaholism, anxiety disorders, and difficulty accepting imperfections in themselves and others. Ultimately, it prevents them from taking risks, exploring their abilities, and celebrating their achievements.
C. Rebellion: Some children raised in overly strict environments may rebel in adulthood. This manifests in breaking away from family values, engaging in risky behavior, or having difficulty forming healthy attachments. While rebellion can be a temporary phase, it can also be a sign of deeper emotional wounds that need to be addressed.
Pathways to Healing and Building Self-Esteem
The good news is that self-esteem is not a fixed trait. Even for adults who grew up under strict parents, there are pathways to healing and building a strong sense of self-worth. Here are some steps to consider:
- Identify Your Triggers: It’s helpful to understand what situations trigger your negative self-talk or feelings of inadequacy. Are you a people-pleaser in your relationships? Do you avoid new challenges due to fear of failure? Once you identify your triggers, you can work toward developing strategies for managing them.
- Challenge Negative Beliefs: Our inner critic is often a harsh echo of our parents’ voices. Challenge these negative thoughts with evidence of your strengths and accomplishments. Practice self-compassion and speak to yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend.
- Set Healthy Boundaries: Boundaries are essential for protecting your emotional well-being. Whether it’s with overly critical family members or demanding friends, learn to say no and prioritize your needs.
- Embrace Imperfections: Perfectionism is a major obstacle to self-esteem. Practice accepting yourself, flaws and all, and understand that no one is perfect. Human beings are far from perfection; therefore, celebrate your achievements, big and small, and learn from your mistakes without shame.
- Seek Professional Help: If negative self-beliefs are overwhelming, consider seeking therapy. A therapist provides a safe space to explore your childhood experiences and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
- Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize activities that nourish your mind, body, and spirit. This could be exercise, meditation, spending time in nature, or pursuing hobbies you enjoy. Self-care practices remind you of your worth and allow you to show up as your best self.
Conclusion on the Long-Term Effects of Growing Up Under Strict Parents
Growing up under strict parents can have a lasting impact on self-esteem. However, understanding the different forms of strictness, the coping mechanisms developed in childhood, and the pathways to healing in adulthood empowers individuals to break free from negative self-beliefs and build a strong sense of self-worth.
While academic knowledge is crucial, there’s a whole other set of essential skills teens need to master before venturing out on their own
Read this article to discover them!
