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As a parent, you want the best for your child. You nurture them, guide them, and try to steer them towards making positive choices. But what happens when your teen starts hanging out with a crowd that raises red flags?
The teenage years – a rollercoaster of emotions, independence struggles, and the ever-present question: who are my kid’s friends? A recent study by the Pew Research Center found that 70% of teens say their friends are extremely or very important to them.
This intense need for social connection is crucial for their development, but what happens when your gut instinct throws up red flags about their chosen companions? Here’s how to navigate this tricky situation while maintaining a positive relationship with your teen.
Don’t Criticize, But Do Set Boundaries
Sheryl Gould, a parenting coach and writer, advises fighting the urge to constantly criticize your teen’s friends. “To protect my daughter and help her see the negative influences, I would repeatedly point out all the reasons they were ‘bad’ for her. This is an ineffective strategy that never works.”
The more you attack their friend choices, the more your teen may rebel and pull away from your influence. As Gould says, “We need to accept that we can’t control who our kids choose as friends.”
Instead, be clear about what behaviors you won’t accept. As child therapist James Lehman suggests, make statements like “I don’t like you hanging out with kids who get in trouble, because you get in trouble with them.” State your objections to the actions and choices, not the friends themselves.
You can also set basic rules about things like curfews, where they can go, and codes of conduct for having friends over. Present these as normal household guidelines, not targeted attacks on their friend group. And be consistent in upholding these boundaries.
Observe the Friendship Dynamics
Before rushing to judgment about your teen’s friends, take a step back to observe the bigger picture. Zuania Capó, a New York psychotherapist, recommends attending group outings or just striking up casual conversations to see how your teen interacts with these friends.
She advises asking yourself “What is the nature of this relationship? What is my child looking for by being part of it – attention, acceptance, a sense of belonging?” Understanding the role these friends fill can help evaluate if the friendships are truly unhealthy or just make you uncomfortable because teens act differently with their peers.
Be Present, But Not Intrusive
Clinical psychologist Dr. Jennifer Guttman reminds us that typical teen behavior often involves pulling away and keeping privacy from parents. However, she says you can still “walk around the house when your teen’s friend is over to make your presence known. Wander in and say ‘Hi.’”
The goal isn’t to hover or eavesdrop intrusively. But you can overhear conversations that give you the willingness to have “mindful discussions” with your teen later about any concerning comments. Having a watchful presence can help you identify real issues, while also modeling the kind of parental supervision you expect.
Keep Communication Open
Perhaps most importantly, work to keep communication open with your teenager about their friends and social life. Ask questions that go beyond “How was your day?” to prompt deeper discussion. If you have fears about bad influences, voice those concerns to your teen, using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory.
At the same time, listen to your teen’s perspective with an open mind. There may be perfectly good reasons why they have chosen these friends that you haven’t considered.
Or maybe there are aspects of the friendships that do concern them too. The more you keep judgment out and create a safe space for dialogue, the better chance your teen will view you as someone they can confide in.
Conclusion: How to Handle it When Your Teen has Friends you Don’t Like or Trust
Dealing with your teen’s friend crew is stressful, but staying calm and balanced in your approach can go a long way.
With the right mix of open communication, healthy boundaries, and understanding their motivations, you improve your odds of positively influencing your teen during this phase. Even difficult friend groups can be temporary parts of the journey toward becoming a well-adjusted adult.
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