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Ever asked your partner for something simple and ended up arguing about something different? Welcome to the world of communication blunders—where what you mean and what your partner hears are worlds apart. Expressing your needs in a relationship is as vital as paying your rent on time. Miss a few steps and everything crumbles
For couples, especially Africans in the diaspora who face unique cultural and financial challenges, poor communication can lead to bigger issues, from misunderstandings about money to resentment over unspoken feelings.
Let’s break down some common mistakes that couples make when expressing needs and, more importantly, how to fix them so you can keep both love and finances running smoothly.
The Importance of Clear Communication
Communication is like GPS in your relationship—without clear directions, you’re both lost. Whether it’s discussing daily tasks, emotional needs, or long-term goals like saving for a house or planning a trip back home, clear communication builds trust and intimacy.
Take Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith, for example. They’ve been very open about their struggles and how they navigate expressing their needs, both emotionally and financially. Whether you agree with them or not, the point is clear: without open and honest communication, it’s easy for relationships to drift into the danger zone of misunderstandings and unmet expectations.
A healthy marriage thrives on clear conversations, especially when it comes to sensitive topics like managing finances—something every couple must deal with. The key is learning how to express your needs without making your partner feel like they’ve failed.
Common Misunderstandings
One of the biggest communication blunders couples make is assuming their partner just knows what they need. Maybe you dropped a hint that you’re stressed about paying the bills, and your partner didn’t get it. Now you’re upset, they’re confused, and both of you are frustrated.
For example, if you’re worried about your savings dwindling, don’t just sigh dramatically when your partner suggests a weekend getaway. Tell them directly: “I’m feeling anxious about our savings. Can we hold off on trips for a while?” Assumptions are the silent killers of good communication, leading to feelings of neglect or resentment that could’ve been easily avoided with a clear sentence.
Another common issue is using coded language. If you need help around the house or feel overwhelmed with family responsibilities, just say so. Don’t drop subtle hints like, “The laundry basket is getting full,” when what you really mean is, “I need help with chores.” Most people are terrible at picking up hints, and unspoken expectations often end up causing tension.
Nonverbal Communication Pitfalls
You might think you’ve said what you need, but your body language could be sending a different message. Nonverbal cues like crossed arms, eye rolls, or a heavy sigh can contradict the words coming out of your mouth. If you say, “I’m not upset,” but you’re glaring like a thunderstorm is about to break, your partner is going to pick up on the tension and assume the worst.
This happens a lot during financial discussions. Imagine you’re discussing budgeting for the month. You calmly say, “I’m okay with cutting back,” but your tone and slouched posture scream, “I’m not okay with this.” Your partner ends up confused, thinking you’re on board with the budget cuts when, deep down, you’re boiling.
Nonverbal cues can either reinforce what you’re saying or completely derail the conversation. When expressing needs, pay attention to your body language as much as your words.
The Role of Timing
Timing is everything. You wouldn’t ask your boss for a raise while they’re in the middle of a crisis, right? The same principle applies to relationships. The moment you choose to bring up an issue matters a lot. Expressing your financial concerns or emotional needs right after your partner has had a tough day at work? Bad move.
Let’s say you want to talk about your plans to send money back home to family, a common scenario for many Africans in the diaspora. Don’t bring this up in the middle of a chaotic day when your partner’s attention is divided. Instead, find a quiet moment when you both can focus on the discussion without distractions.
Bringing up serious topics at the wrong time can lead to defensive reactions and misunderstandings. Choose your moments carefully to ensure your needs are heard.
Avoiding “You” Statements
One of the most effective ways to express your needs without triggering defensiveness is by using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Think of it this way: “You” statements are like pointing fingers, while “I” statements invite discussion.
If you say, “You always overspend, and now we can’t afford anything,” your partner will immediately feel attacked and shut down. Instead, try saying, “I’m worried about our spending, and I’d feel more comfortable if we could budget together.” This shifts the focus from blame to concern, making it easier for your partner to listen and respond.
This technique is especially helpful when talking about money. Financial stress is a huge issue for many couples, and how you approach the conversation can either make things better or worse. Avoid starting sentences with “You never…” or “You always…” as this immediately puts your partner on the defensive.
The Impact of Emotional Baggage
Every couple brings emotional baggage into a relationship. Maybe you had a bad experience in a past relationship where your needs were ignored, or perhaps you grew up in a household where finances were always a source of stress. This baggage can cloud how you communicate in the present.
Let’s say you grew up in a family where money was scarce, and now, every time your partner suggests spending on something non-essential, you panic. Your partner isn’t intentionally trying to stress you out, but your past experiences are triggering a strong reaction. Recognizing this emotional baggage is the first step to improving how you express your needs.
In relationships, unaddressed emotional baggage can distort how we hear and interpret messages. It’s important to be aware of these triggers so you can approach conversations with a clearer, more present mindset.
Listening Skills: The Other Half of Communication
Communication isn’t just about talking; it’s about listening, too. And let’s be honest—most of us are guilty of “listening” just to wait for our turn to speak. Active listening means truly hearing what your partner is saying without interrupting or planning your response in your head.
This is crucial during financial discussions. If your partner is expressing concerns about overspending or savings, listen carefully instead of jumping in to justify your choices. Ask questions, clarify what they mean, and show that you understand their concerns before offering your viewpoint.
Good communication is a two-way street. If you’re focused only on getting your point across without really hearing your partner, you’re setting the stage for more miscommunication down the road.
Strategies for Effective Communication
So, how can you improve your communication and avoid these blunders? Here are some strategies you can implement right away:
- Regular Check-ins: Schedule a weekly or monthly check-in to discuss how things are going, both emotionally and financially. This gives you a dedicated time to talk about your needs and address any issues before they turn into bigger problems.
- Use “I” Statements: Focus on how you feel and what you need rather than what your partner is doing wrong. For example, “I feel anxious when we don’t have a financial plan,” instead of, “You never care about saving.”
- Practice Empathy: Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. If they’re expressing a need, even if it seems trivial to you, understand that it’s important to them.
- Mind Your Timing: Pick the right time for tough conversations. Avoid bringing up sensitive topics during stressful moments or when emotions are already running high.
Conclusion
Effective communication is an ongoing skill that requires practice, patience, and self-awareness. For couples, especially those in the African diaspora who may be juggling cultural expectations, financial responsibilities, and emotional needs, getting communication right is critical.
By avoiding common blunders like poor timing, nonverbal miscommunication, and using accusatory language, you can improve how you express your needs and strengthen your financial mindset in marriage. Remember, communication is about both speaking and listening—and mastering it can make the difference between a thriving relationship and one riddled with frustration.
