Falling in love is beautiful. The butterflies, the laughter, the way your heart skips when they walk into a room, the certainty that you’ve found “your person”—it’s magical. But when it comes to marriage, love alone isn’t enough. Marriage is about building a life together, and that requires clarity, honesty, and deep conversations.
Too many couples walk into marriage carried only by the thrill of romance, only to stumble later when they realize they never talked about the big things like money, children, or even how they deal with conflict. That’s why asking the right questions before saying “I do” is so important.
The focus here isn’t interrogating your partner or ruining the joy of being in love. It’s about ensuring you’re building your future on a foundation of understanding, not assumptions. Couples who have these conversations early are the ones who avoid painful surprises later.
Here are 10 questions every couple should ask before getting married.
1. What Does Marriage Mean to You?
This might seem like an obvious question, but you’d be surprised how many couples have completely different definitions of what marriage actually is. One person may view marriage as a romantic partnership between best friends. Another may see it as a traditional institution with specific roles and expectations. For some, it’s a spiritual covenant, while others view it primarily as a legal and practical arrangement.
Your partner might believe marriage means you become each other’s top priority in all situations, while you might think it’s important to maintain some independence and individual identity. They might expect marriage to be a constant source of happiness and fulfillment, while you understand that it requires work and will have challenging seasons.
Understanding what marriage means to your partner helps you see whether your visions align, or where you need to find balance.
2. How Do You Handle Money, Spending, and Saving?
Money is one of the top reasons couples fight, not because one person is “bad” with money but because they never talked about it in the first place. Your approach to money often reflects deeper values about security, freedom, responsibility, and planning for the future.
One of you may be a natural saver who feels anxious without a substantial emergency fund. The other may be a spender who believes money should be enjoyed and used to create experiences and memories. One of you might be a meticulous planner who budgets every dollar, while the other prefers a more relaxed approach.
For example, imagine you’re someone who feels anxious without at least six months of savings, but your partner is the type to spend freely on vacations or gadgets. Without honest conversations, resentment will build quickly. Or maybe one of you prefers to combine all accounts after marriage while the other feels strongly about keeping some finances separate. Without alignment, small misunderstandings can turn into major disagreements.
Beyond your spending and saving styles, you need to discuss your financial goals, your current debt situations, and how you plan to manage money as a married couple. Will you combine all accounts or keep some things separate? Who will handle bill paying and financial planning? What are your short-term and long-term financial goals? How do you each feel about things like credit card debt, student loans, or major purchases?
Want to see how you and your partner align financially? Take ourCouple Money Quiz and uncover your money styles together.
Money conversations require complete honesty and vulnerability. Share your current financial situation openly. The goal isn’t to agree on every dollar but to understand each other’s money mindset. When you do, you can build a financial plan that supports both your needs.
3. Do We Want Children? If Yes, How Many and When?
This is one of the biggest life decisions, and it’s better to talk about it before marriage than after. Some people have always known they want to be parents and can’t imagine their lives without children. Others feel equally certain that parenthood isn’t for them. Some people are open to children but aren’t strongly driven toward parenthood. All of these perspectives are valid, but they need to be compatible with your partner’s vision.
There’s also the when—do you both want kids right away, or would you prefer to wait a few years? How do you feel about things like fertility treatments if you struggle to conceive naturally? What about adoption? How would you handle an unplanned pregnancy?
Consider the practical aspects too. How would you handle childcare and career responsibilities? What kind of parents do you want to be? What values do you want to instill in your children? How would you approach discipline and education?
Children change everything about your life together. Talking about it now doesn’t mean you’ll have every detail figured out, but it does mean you’re walking into marriage with shared clarity instead of assumptions.
4. How Do You Handle Conflict?
Every relationship has disagreements. The difference between couples who thrive and those who struggle isn’t whether they fight, but how they fight. Some people need space when they’re upset. Others want to talk things through immediately. Some raise their voices, while others shut down.
If your conflict styles clash without understanding, small issues can spiral. Imagine one partner wants to “talk it out now” while the other needs silence to process… that mismatch can feel like rejection.
Discuss how you each handle disagreements and what you need during tense moments.
5. What Role Does Faith, Spirituality, or Personal Beliefs Play in Your Life?
Faith, spirituality, or religion can deeply shape how people view marriage, parenting, holidays, and even daily routines. If you and your partner come from different religious backgrounds, you’ll need to discuss how that impacts your marriage. Which traditions will you observe? How will you raise your children?
Even if you share the same faith, your level of devotion might differ. One of you may attend services weekly while the other is more private about their spirituality. You need to have open conversations about how these differences will work in your marriage.
The key is respect, understanding, and finding ways to support each other’s spiritual journeys even if they look different from your own.
6. How Do You See Roles and Responsibilities in Marriage?
It may not sound romantic, but chores and responsibilities are a huge part of married life. Modern marriages offer more flexibility than previous generations, but that also means you need to actively discuss and decide how you’ll handle everything from household chores to career priorities to childcare. Don’t assume you’re on the same page about who will do what.
Who will handle cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work, home repairs, and grocery shopping? How will you divide these tasks fairly based on your schedules, preferences, and abilities? Will you hire help for some things, or do you prefer to handle everything yourselves?
Consider career and financial responsibilities too. Do you both plan to work full-time throughout your marriage? How will you handle it if one person’s career requires travel or long hours? What if one person wants to change careers or go back to school? How will you make decisions about major career moves or job opportunities?
If you plan to have children, how do you envision dividing parenting responsibilities? Will one person stay home or work part-time, or will you both continue working full-time with childcare? How will you handle things like school events, doctor’s appointments, and sick days?
Roles and responsibilities often evolve throughout a marriage based on circumstances, interests, and changing life seasons. The important thing is to start with open communication about your expectations and maintain that communication as your lives change.
7. How Do You Want to Handle Relationships with Extended Family and In-Laws?
Marriage doesn’t just unite two people—it brings together two families, complete with their own traditions, expectations, and relationship dynamics. How you handle extended family relationships can either strengthen your marriage or create ongoing stress and conflict.
Some families are very close and expect regular involvement in each other’s lives. Others are more independent and see each other mainly for holidays and special occasions. Some families have strong opinions about how their adult children should live their lives, while others are more hands-off. Understanding your partner’s family dynamics and expectations helps you prepare for your role as an in-law.
Talk about boundaries. How often will you see extended family? How much influence will parents have in your decisions? For example, if you live near one partner’s family, will the other feel left out? These conversations prevent misunderstandings and help you set healthy boundaries together.
Consider financial aspects too. Do either of your families expect financial support, either now or in the future? How do you feel about helping aging parents or contributing to family emergencies? What about lending money to siblings or other family members?
8. What Are Your Career Goals, and How Will They Impact Our Life Together?
Careers shape not just income, but also lifestyle. If your career goals are pulling you in different directions, you need to figure out how to align them or at least support each other’s ambitions.
Some people are highly ambitious and career-driven, while others see work primarily as a way to fund the life they want. One partner may be open to relocating for opportunities, while the other prefers staying close to family. One may dream of climbing the corporate ladder, while the other envisions starting a business or pursuing creative passions.
Think about timelines and priorities. Is one person’s career in a demanding phase right now and in need of extra support? Do either of you plan to pursue graduate school or advanced training? Are there seasons where one career might take priority over the other?
Consider geographic implications too. Do your career paths require you to live in specific cities or regions? Are you both open to relocating if great opportunities arise, or are you committed to staying in a particular area?
Not sure how to balance ambition, location, and support? OurAI Relationship Coach can guide you through personalized prompts to help.
9. What Does Intimacy Mean to You, Both Physical and Emotional?
Intimacy is much more than physical attraction or sexual compatibility, though those things matter too. Intimacy is about feeling deeply connected, understood, and cherished by your partner. It’s about vulnerability, trust, and the ability to be completely yourself with another person.
Physical intimacy includes not just sex, but all the ways you express affection through touch such as holding hands, cuddling, kissing, and physical closeness. People have different needs when it comes to physical affection and different ways of expressing and receiving love through touch.
Emotional intimacy on the other hand is about feeling safe to share your deepest thoughts, fears, dreams, and vulnerabilities with your partner. It’s about being truly known and accepted. Some people are naturally open and share their emotions easily, while others are more private and need time to feel safe enough to be vulnerable.
Consider how you both prefer to connect emotionally. Do you bond through deep conversations, shared activities, quality time, or acts of service? How do you prefer to give and receive comfort when you’re stressed or upset? What makes you feel most loved and appreciated? Take the Love Language Quiz to discover how you and your partner naturally give and receive love.
Physical intimacy requires ongoing communication too. People’s needs and desires can change over time, and successful couples learn to talk openly about their physical relationship without shame or judgment.
10. Where Do You See Us in Five, Ten, or Twenty Years?
This final question ties together many of the others. Beyond love, what’s the vision for your shared future? Do you see yourselves building a home in the city, raising kids in the suburbs, or traveling the world together?
Your long-term goals don’t have to be identical, but they should complement each other. If one of you dreams of retiring early and living quietly, while the other dreams of a fast-paced life filled with adventure, you’ll need to talk about how to merge those visions.
Think about what success means to each of you. Is it financial security, career achievement, strong relationships, community involvement, personal growth, or adventure and new experiences?
Having a shared “why” for your marriage gives you direction during both exciting and difficult times. Explore16 Questions Before the Ring to spark deeper conversations about your shared future.
Moving Forward Together
Marriage isn’t about having all the answers before you begin. It’s about being willing to ask the questions, listen deeply, and grow together. When you and your partner talk through these areas with honesty, you’re not just preparing for a wedding day—you’re preparing for a marriage that lasts.
At the end of the day, it’s all about knowing each other deeply and choosing to build your life with awareness, respect, and love.
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