Key Highlights
- You don’t have to carry everything on your own to prove you’re worthy of love.
- Love is not just something you give, it’s something you’re meant to receive too.
- True love flows both ways; you are not selfish for wanting to be held too.
- Healing begins when you stop shrinking and start letting yourself be loved.
My friend Chloe had always been the strong one. She is that friend who remembered everyone’s birthdays, sent voice notes to check in, and showed up with food when someone was grieving. In her relationships, she was the giver… be it attention, affection, effort… name it. Giving was Chloe’s love language and the challenge was how to receive love.
But when someone tried to love her, care for her, listen to her, and be present for her needs, she’d usually freak out. She’d laugh it off and brush them off with a quick “I’m fine, thanks though!” while immediately redirecting the conversation back to them.
At first, I thought she was purposely doing that. But with time, I understood that it wasn’t intentional. To her, it just felt… unfamiliar. Uncomfortable because she didn’t know how to receive love.
If you’re nodding along, recognizing yourself in Chloe’s story, you’re not alone. Millions of us have fallen into the pattern of being perpetual givers, so accustomed to caring for others that we’ve forgotten how to receive love back.
The question then is: How do you receive love when you’re always the one giving it?
Why It’s Hard for Givers to Receive Love
1.The Comfort of Control
For natural givers like Chloe, it’s usually deeply comforting to be the one who provides support. When you’re giving, you’re in control. You know what to expect. You’re the hero of the story who swoops in to save the day. Receiving, on the other hand, requires vulnerability, and vulnerability feels scary when you’ve built your identity around being the strong one.
Dr. Brené Brown, renowned vulnerability researcher, explains that many of us struggle with receiving because we’ve somehow convinced ourselves that being vulnerable makes us weak, when it actually makes us human.
When you’re always the giver, receiving can feel like admitting defeat, like saying “I’m not as capable as I pretended to be.”
2.The Fear of Being a Burden
Givers often carry a deep-seated fear that their needs are too much, too complicated, or simply not as important as everyone else’s. This fear usually stems from early experiences where our emotional needs weren’t met with enthusiasm, or where we learned that love was conditional on our ability to care for others.
Think about it: if you grew up in a household where you were praised for being “such a good helper” or “so mature for your age,” you might have internalized the message that your worth comes from what you give, not who you are and as such might struggle with how to receive love.
3.The Perfectionism Trap
Many perpetual givers are also perfectionists who believe they need to handle everything flawlessly. To them, asking for help feels like admitting imperfection, which triggers shame and anxiety. So they prefer to stay exhausted rather than risk being seen as anything less than completely capable.
The Psychology Behind the Giving-Receiving Imbalance
Psychologists have found that people with anxious attachment styles often become over-givers as a way to secure love and prevent abandonment. If you learned early that love was earned through service, your nervous system might interpret receiving as dangerous. What if they expect something in return that you can’t provide?
Meanwhile, those with avoidant attachment styles might give as a way to maintain emotional distance while still being in relationships. Giving keeps you connected but protected, while receiving requires letting someone truly see and care for you.
According to neuroscience, our brains are actually wired to find giving more immediately rewarding than receiving. When we give, we get hits of dopamine and oxytocin, which makes us feel good. Receiving, on the other hand, activates different neural pathways that can initially feel uncomfortable if we’re not used to them.
The beautiful thing is that the more we practice receiving, the more our brains learn to associate it with safety and pleasure. Neuroplasticity means we can literally rewire our brains to become better receivers of love.
How to Receive Love
Learning how to receive love is a skill. One that starts small and grows with consistent practice and patience. Here’s how to begin.
1. Notice When You Resist Love
The first step is awareness. Pay attention to how you respond when someone:
- Compliments you
- Offers to help
- Checks in emotionally
- Gives you affection without conditions
Do you deflect? Minimize? Shrink? Becoming aware of your reflexes helps you name what’s happening. For example, “I feel uncomfortable because I’m not used to being poured into.”
2. Reflect on the Root
Ask yourself:
- Where did I learn that giving is safer than receiving?
- What happens in my body when someone is being kind to me?
- Did I ever feel like my needs were “too much” for someone in the past?
This kind of inner work helps you unlearn the shame or guilt attached to being loved.
3. Practice Saying Yes (Even If It Feels Weird)
When someone offers you something such as time, affection, or acts of service, try saying yes. Just once. Let them show up for you. Let yourself feel the warmth, even if it’s awkward at first. This is how to receive love: by allowing, not resisting.
Receiving is a muscle. The more you use it, the more natural it becomes.
4. Use Affirmations to Rewire Your Beliefs
Affirmations may sound simple, but they’re powerful for rewiring your inner narrative. Try repeating:
- “It’s safe for me to receive love.”
- “My worth is not tied to how much I give.”
- “I am allowed to have needs, and I am worthy of having them met.”
- “I don’t have to earn love. I get to receive it freely.”
Write them down. Say them out loud and let them settle into your bones.
5. Surround Yourself with Safe Love
Not all environments make it easy to receive. Some people are comfortable taking but never giving back. But the more you surround yourself with safe, emotionally available people, the easier it becomes to let your guard down.
Notice who makes you feel seen. Who listens. Who responds when you speak your truth. That’s where your nervous system can start to relax.
You Deserve to Be Loved Too
You don’t have to carry everything on your own to prove you’re worthy. Love isn’t just something you pour out. It’s something you’re meant to bathe in too.
Chloe is still learning this. But now, when someone reaches out, she no longer flinches. She breathes. She receives. She reminds herself that love is not a transaction but a gift. And you are worthy of that gift too.
So maybe for the first time, you’ll let yourself be loved without shrinking.
