You’ve just moved from Lagos to London, and your spouse is watching Nollywood movies at full volume while you’re trying to work from your tiny apartment. Sound familiar?
Listen, I know what you’re thinking: “Personal space? In an African marriage? Are you crazy?” Back home, the idea of personal space was as foreign as eating jollof rice with a fork.
Your mother-in-law would pop in unannounced, your cousins would sleep over without warning, and somehow, everyone just made it work in that beautiful chaos we call home.
But here’s the thing: you’re not in Nigeria, Ghana, Kenya, or wherever you came from anymore. You’re probably living in a tiny apartment in London, Toronto, or Sydney, where you can hear your spouse breathe from across the room. And let’s be honest – it’s driving you slightly nuts.
What Personal Space Means
First things first, let’s break down what we mean by personal space because I can already hear Aunty Precious saying, “These children have become too Western!”
Personal space isn’t about pushing your spouse away or becoming one of those Western couples who barely talk to each other. It’s about giving each other room to breathe, think, and exist as individuals.
Think of it like cooking jollof rice – you need space between the grains for the rice to cook properly. If you pack it too tightly, you’ll end up with mushy rice, and nobody wants that.
The Dos of Personal Space
1. Tell Your Partner What You Need
Remember how you used to get mad when your spouse didn’t know you wanted them to buy suya on their way home, but you never actually told them? Yeah, personal space is like that. You need to use your words.
Instead of suffering in silence when your husband is having a loud video call with his entire family at midnight, try saying something like this: “Darling, I love that you’re keeping in touch with family, but I have a big presentation tomorrow. Can we schedule these calls earlier in the evening?”
2. Create Your Little Corner
You don’t need a mansion to have personal space. Even if you’re living in a studio apartment, you can create your area. Maybe it’s just a comfortable chair by the window or a small desk where you can work or write in your journal. The point is to have a spot that’s yours.
I know a couple in Manchester – let’s call them Kwame and Abena – who live in a one-room apartment. They created personal space by setting up a folding screen that either of them could put up when they needed alone time. Is it perfect? No. Does it work? Absolutely.
3. Make a Schedule
Here’s something nobody tells you about personal space: sometimes it’s not about physical space at all. It’s about having time to yourself. You can create personal space by scheduling it.
For example, my friend Aisha knows that her husband needs an hour to himself after coming home from his accounting job.
During this time, she doesn’t ask him questions, doesn’t tell him about her day, and doesn’t expect him to help with dinner. She uses this time to call her sisters or scroll through TikTok. After his hour is up, he’s refreshed and ready to be present with her.
The Don’ts of Personal Space (Or How to Not Mess This Up)
1. Don’t Turn Into a Complete Oyinbo About It
Look, I get it. You’ve moved abroad, and you’re learning new ways of doing things, but don’t throw your cultural identity out the window. You don’t need to start acting like those couples you see in American movies who need “appointments” to talk to each other.
Finding personal space doesn’t mean you have to stop being African. You can still be close, still share meals, and still have those long, meandering conversations about nothing and everything. Just do it mindfully.
2. Don’t Ignore Your Partner’s Signals
When your spouse is giving you hints that they need space, don’t ignore them like it’s a pot of burning stew. Watch for signs like:
- When they keep putting on their headphones
- When they suddenly become very interested in organizing the closet
- When they take extra long in the bathroom
- When they keep sighing heavily while looking at their phone
These are all ways of saying “I need a minute” without actually saying it. Don’t wait until they explode like a pressure cooker with a blocked valve.
3. Don’t Feel Guilty About Needing Space
This one’s important, so I’m going to say it louder for the people in the back: NEEDING PERSONAL SPACE DOESN’T MAKE YOU A BAD SPOUSE.
I know our culture emphasizes togetherness. I know your mother probably never asked your father for “personal space.” I know you might feel like you’re being selfish or Western. But listen – happy spouses make happy homes, and sometimes being happy means having a moment to yourself.
How to Make This Work in Real Life (The Practical Stuff)
1. For Those Living in Tiny Spaces
If you’re living in one of those London flats that’s smaller than your mother’s kitchen back home, here’s what you can do:
- Use time instead of space. When one person is having their quiet time, the other can go for a walk, take a long shower, or visit friends.
- Get creative with dividers. Bookshelves, curtains, or even plants can create the illusion of separate spaces.
- Use headphones. They’re like invisible walls that can give you privacy even when you’re sitting right next to each other.
2. For Those Working from Home Together
Working from home with your spouse can be like trying to cook in the same pot – it gets messy. Here’s how to handle it:
- Set up separate workstations, even if they’re just on opposite ends of the dining table.
- Agree on “do not disturb” signals. Maybe wearing headphones means “please don’t talk to me unless the house is on fire.”
- Take breaks at different times so you each get the space to yourself occasionally.
Conclusion: Making It Work for Your Marriage
Listen, whether you’re from Lagos or Lusaka, personal space in marriage isn’t about becoming less African or less connected to your spouse. It’s about creating a healthy marriage that works in your new reality.
Think of it like this: back home, you probably had natural breaks in your togetherness – running errands in different places, visiting family separately, or even just having a bigger living space. Now that you’re abroad, you need to create these breaks intentionally.
READ: How to Communicate Better with Your Partner (Without Repeating Yourself)
