I’m not sure how I got to my apartment on the 23rd of January, but I definitely didn’t walk with my two feet.
My bag was stuffed with tissue soaked in premium tears as I dragged myself down the corridor, with my shoes clinging to my chest like comfort food.
I got “served breakfast” at the start of a brand new year.
But this one hit different.
I was the chef on duty.
Let me explain.
The Daydream Called Collins
I met Collins at a birthday party, and honestly, he was my spec. Tall, dark, handsome, with gap teeth that made his smile ridiculously charming.
Do you think I asked the universe for too much? Is that why I ended up with sand in my garri?
He was a friend to my friend that I didn’t know existed all these years until my friend had a birthday bash and we got introduced.
I was drawn to his warm, expressive, and contagious smiles. He was a great communicator too, and since I’m big on intelligence, I was sold.
How did we exchange contacts that kicked off our pseudo-love journey?
Truth or Dare.
Being the smart babe that I am, I used the game to stylishly shoot my shot… well, not directly.
I dared him to visit a local restaurant and finish 10 wraps of semovita. He got the hint and asked me to tag along the next day.
Sweet, right?
That was how Collins and I became friends. From there, we talked every day for over a year, sharing sweet nothings, life goals, daydreams, and whatever gist you could imagine.
We spoke before bedtime, again in the morning, and hung out every weekend at our favorite spot.
For me, I had found Mr. Right.
Or at least, I was tactfully dragging him to the right-hand side.
We went on trips, explored new places, and made memories laughing, loving, and enjoying the soft life.
Everything felt right until I discovered something.
The Question That Changed Everything
One day, my best friend asked about my new boyfriend and I froze.
She didn’t understand why I went completely blank, like someone just pulled the plug. But at that moment, there was a war going on in my mind.
Ada’s next few questions forced me to snap out of my feelings and face the facts.
One year and three months in, and I couldn’t remember Collins ever officially asking me out.
Wait… are we even dating or not?
That one question changed everything. It triggered a chain of events that eventually led to our breakup.
At first, I tried bringing it up casually on Messenger, but Collins brushed it off like I was joking. So I asked him out to dinner, which turned out to be our last date.
That night, I popped the question. And Collins just stared at me with a face so blank and distant. It didn’t look anything like the warm, expressive person I thought I knew.
What have I gotten myself into?
What exactly have I been doing with Collins all this while?
As I dragged myself down my corridor that night, it felt like I was carrying the weight of unspoken truths and misplaced hope.
Today, so many people are living in that same situation. They’re stuck in pseudo-relationships, scared of popping the question because they fear what the answer might be.
What Is a Pseudo-Relationship?
This is a kind of relationship where two people are emotionally invested without defining it. It’s like a fake of the original.
According to research, this could go on for years while everyone thinks both parties are in love and building towards a future, yet they are going nowhere.
Some tag it as “besties,” which I believe betrays the originality of the concept of friendship. Pseudo simply means what’s not real, no matter the angle or direction.
How to Recognize a Pseudo-Relationship?
An African adage says, “There’s no smoke without fire.”
In a pseudo-relationship, the signs are always present, even amidst the sweetest moments. Many people try to push the fear aside, hoping for the best, which isn’t a sustainable solution.
Here are a few signs that can help you figure out if you’re in a pseudo-relationship.
1. They’re Just ‘Talking’ to You
You’re fully invested in this relationship — making plans for your personal goals, having fun, sending love letters, and going on hangouts together. Everyone knows it’s him when your phone rings.
They ask about him when they see you… but guess what? He sums it all up with one phrase: “We’re just talking.” That means you’ve been dating yourself from the start.
If you’re unsure about your relationship status, it’s not too late to ask the tough question. While early discovery doesn’t reduce the heartbreak, it definitely saves you valuable time.
Because while they’re talking to you, they’re likely talking to other people too. And that’s not the kind of love you deserve.
2. It’s Friendship with Benefits
A romantic relationship can start from a place of friendship, but it doesn’t always stay there. You may meet someone, build a friendship, and get to know them. However, once you both share a deep emotional connection, it’s time to ask the important question.
If you’re in a relationship where the other person enjoys the benefits of being in a romantic relationship, like intimacy and vulnerability, under the guise of friendship, that’s a clear sign you’re in a pseudo-relationship.
Intimacy is meant for lovers. If they’re not calling you that yet, it’s a red flag.
3. They’re Still Praying About It
This one is for the religious community: When you’ve been around someone for a long time, and every time you ask about the status of the relationship, they’re still “praying about it,” that’s a sign to be concerned.
The reason is that this answer often comes from a place of indecision, especially when it’s the same answer every time. When a person knows what they want out of love, even the universe is quick to answer.
So, you might need to reevaluate your relationship with that person by asking yourself one simple question: Can you wait forever if they take forever to get an answer?
Think about it. What if it ends up being a “No”? Would you want to see your time, energy, and emotions go to waste?
4. They’re Still Observing You
You’ve spent time with this person, and you both understand each other. There’s nothing stopping you from officially building a romantic relationship, but unfortunately, they’re still “observing” you after four years.
Disguised as a search for a “wife” or “husband material,” many people enter relationships without ever defining them.
Even if they’re observing you under a microscope, they still won’t decide to date you. Some might say, “He/she is good as a girlfriend/boyfriend but not as a life partner.” Really?
A person shouldn’t take forever to know what they want out of love unless they’re being deceptive or clearly have no goals.
So go ahead and ask the tough question.
If they’re going to take forever to observe you, let them observe your exit instead. You deserve someone who loves and cherishes you, imperfections and all, and is ready to commit.
5. They’re Taking It One Day at a Time
This is likely the most common of them all. It’s often advised that people take things gradually, especially when it comes to commitment, to avoid making serious mistakes in the future.
But how is this a red flag? Well, days turn into months, and months turn into years without any progress.
If they’re taking their time and wasting yours, it’s a sign that you’re dating yourself.
If you’ve asked about the status of your relationship after a period of intimate moments, but it only gets more confusing as they take it “one day at a time,” it’s time to ask that simple, powerful question.
Are we dating or not? Because even a snail eventually reaches its destination.
Final Word
Love is a beautiful thing, and every heart deserves to experience the joy that comes with it. That’s why it’s so important to love ourselves enough to understand what we truly want and how we deserve to be treated.
Leaving Collins was heartbreaking because I truly loved him. But ignoring the signs would have hurt me even more if I hadn’t asked the right questions.
At the end of the day, it’s easier said than done, but it’s always worth it when you prioritize yourself.
Choose self-love.
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